Celebrity Roundup: Young Hollywood

*tap tap*

“Is this thing on?”

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there, waiting for the Celebrity Roundup for going on a month. Woops, my bad.

I could make lots of excuses why my favorite post of the week has been missing for so long. I could say it was because I have been too busy to spend the hour it takes to write this up (true story.) I could say that my blog was broken and I couldn’t log in (that’s a lie.) I could say that i couldn’t quite get my mind around the Taylor Swift Vanity Fair Article (yes…) But really, the biggest reason for the radio silence on Fridays is that celebrities just haven’t been that interesting for awhile. Come on, celebs. What gives? Where are the overdoses, the dramatic divorces, the shocking scandals? I long for the good ‘ol days of Beyonce’s fake pregnancy, Tom and Katie’s sham marriage, Halle Berry’s baby-daddy’s Thanksgiving day fight. Remember when Whitney Houston died? Man that was tragic.

Instead it’s all, “OH LOOK KIM KARDASHIAN HAS A BUMP” (uhhhh) and “Oh, Jennifer Lawrence is soooOoOoOoOoO amazing and perfect even though she fell down at the Oscars” (meh.)

But then…there’s that thing…that one celebrity thing that you try desperately to ignore, like your husband’s socks laying on the floor. And you just keep seeing them and stepping over them, all while trying to pretend he’s not taking his socks off two feet from the clothes hamper and neglecting to throw them in. And then finally you’re like “ENOUGH WITH THE SOCKS ALREADY, WILL YOU JUST PUT THEM AWAY?”

That, my friends, is Taylor Swift to me. Taylor Swift is my dirty socks.

Taylor Swift is in the news this week for basically making herself look worse than she already looked in a Vanity Fair article meant to make her look less like a crazy sociopath. Now that’s talent.

The saga started at the 2013 Golden Globes, when co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a little skit about how Taylor Swift should stay away from Michael J Fox’s son (she should!) and should take some time to herself. Here is the vid:

Apparently (which will later become the theme for the entire Taylor Swift Vanity Fair article) Taylor Swift took offense, telling the magazine that her “friend” Katie Couric once told her “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”  Oh, Taylor, you must mean women who say things like, “She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts” or “And her snotty little family all dressed in pastel….wearing a gown shaped like a pastry.” Like that kind of unsupportive language?

Skipping over the facts that Katie Couric isn’t her friend and also didn’t drop that little truth bomb, Madeleine Albright did, Taylor Swift left us a few more gems during that Taylor Swift Vanity Fair article:

I apparently buy houses near every boy I like — that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me.” (Which she did, but then flipped and made $800,000 on it so…)

and also

For a female to write about her feelings and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend….that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist (Which would be a good point if it wasn’t for “Picture to Burn” that’s specifically about being crazy after a breakup…right..RIGHT?)

Oh, and “apparently” Taylor Swift has only dated two guys since 2010. Right, and I only ate 5 jelly beans yesterday (spoiler alert! I ate 50.)

 Amy Poehler has taken it in stride (“I’m going to hell, but for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff”) and Tina Fey said she did not see it coming. But you know, I can’t let it go. Look, let’s call a spade a spade: Taylor Swift makes millions of dollars a year off of her image as a pink, sparkly, wholesome, love-lorn princess, but she’s also a 22 year old girl. I understand that must be difficult to rectify, but for her blatantly say in the Taylor Swift Vanity Fair article that she’s “not a fictional character” and then continue writing songs like she’s a teenage girl when she is NOT a teenage girl, she has to take the good with the bad. As long as she’s portraying herself this way, the public will see her that way.

I’ll also say it right here, right now: the Harry Styles breakup will be the one that will send her over the edge.

And more young Hollywood one-and-done!

• Kelly Osbourne and her purple hair had a seizure on the set of E! Fashion Police and was rushed to the hospital. Only Kelly Osborne can make an IV look stylish.
• Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi lost 42 pounds since giving birth in August. If a reality TV star drops 42 pounds and nobody cares, does it make a sound?
• Justin “The Biebs” Bieber recently had the “worst birthday ever” after his underage friend, Jaden Smith (yes, as in Will Smith’s son) caused Justin and his entourage kicked out of a club during his 19th birthday celebration.
• Justin  Bieber fainted during a recent concert in London, but finished the concert after, then Tweeted a picture of himself shirtless and said he was “getting better” And then all Belibers died and went to heaven.
• While in London, but before he fainted, Justin Bieber was seen out and about wearing a gas mask for no discernible reason.
• Just click on this to see  in just 5 clicks just how hard Justin Bieber is losing his mind.
• Chris Brown has a temper. I mean, we all knew that, but now this poor valet knows it even better after Chris Brown lost his cool over a $10 charge.
• Miley Cyrus stepped out without her engagement ring from Liam Hemsworth, and sources are saying their relationship is over. Who had “9 months” in the “Miley/Liam Breakup Pool”?
• If you remember, which you probably didn’t remember because I didn’t write about it, Liam Hemsworth and January Jones were seen leaving together after a pre-Oscars party, and know January Jones is not confirming a hookup, but not denying it either.
• Something happened with somebody whose initials are KK but I refuse to talk about it so if you WANT, click here to learn more.

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