I remember a day, not long ago, when celebrity gossip was about real celebrities. Do y’all remember that? Geez man, those were the days. Remember when poor ‘ol Whitney Houston died? And Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got divorced? And when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got engaged? That was some gossip I could sink my teeth into, people. Now what do we have? Amanda Bynes crazy antics? Justin Bieber spitting on people? Meh.
I’ve decided that I just am going to embrace all these little kids running around acting cray. This is our reality, people. The stars of our yesteryear are normal. They are settling down, making movies, not going to clubs drinking, not cheating on their wives and keeping it private when they do. Real stars are gettin’ smart, you guys, so if we’re going to continue caring about celebrities, better get on board for the Adventures of the Rich, Young and Famous (for no reason.)
I’ll start with Amanda Bynes, a “retired actress” at the ripe old age of 26, who is 1/3 crazy, 1/3 young and unguided and 1/3 possibly on drugs. Amanda Bynes has shown increasingly unusual behavior since her DUI last year. A few weeks ago, Amanda Bynes revealed a shocking transformation on Twitter: a super thin frame, cheek piercing (!!!) and long curly locks. A few days later, Amanda Bynes Tweeted that she wanted rapper Drake to “murder” her vagina, otherwise known as the Tweet that sent the whole Internet for eye-bleach and also caused bottom-dwellers at TMZ to lose their minds and tweet about it for days and days and days.
Amanda Bynes Twit-scapade continued when she Tweeted another picture of herself, this time wearing a sexy bustier and showing off her broken fingernail. The behavior has trickled off the INternet and into real life; Neighbors of the good-girl-gone-bad told RadarOnline that Amanda Bynes replaced regular lightbulbs with red ones and left her door open 24/7. Amanda Bynes erratic behavior showed up in Times Square Thursday as she wandered the streets of NYC wearing a short velvet skirt, fur trimmed jacket, short socks and tennis shoes and covering her face with a blue button up shirt.
So what’s really wrong with Amanda Bynes? Probably the same thing that’s wrong with Justin Bieber, who is in hot water after being accused of battery by a neighbor….over a Ferrari. File that under “More Money than Sense”. Allegedly, Justin Bieber had returned home from his overseas concerts and got into a verbal altercation with a neighbor about 9 a.m. when the neighbor dared confront Justin Bieber of driving recklessly…aka 100 MPH in the gated community. The neighbor, a 47-year old father of three, said Justin Bieber said “I’m going to f***ing kill you!” and spit in his face.
JUSTIN. BIEBER. SPIT. IN. SOMEONES. FACE. Like, really? What the heck, Justin Bieber? What does that solve? Did you I just talk about how last week you were so amazing and awesome and grown up at such a young age? This ain’t the playground, son. You’re not fighting over the swings. You’re fighting in the front yard of your multi-million dollar mansion in a gated community OVER A FERRARI.
But really, how embarrassed are that guy’s kids right now anyway? “I CANT BELIEVE YOU WERE FIGHTING WITH JUSTIN BIEBER, DAD!”
Need some more news that doesn’t’ make you sad for the human race? Too bad.
- Lindsay Lohan sat on the floor of a Brazillian nightclub because she refused to take pictures with clubgoers. Because when you’re getting ready to head to rehab, it only makes sense to drink underneath a table…is this what we call rock bottom?
- Somebody named Lil Twist threw a pot-smoking party at Justin Bieber’s house while Justin was overseas. With friends like these…
- Oh! And speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she allegedly stole clothing and jewelry from the set of Anger Management, an HBO show on which she’s had several guest spots. She’s personifying biting the hand that feeds you.
- Lil Wayne admitted for the first time that he is an epileptic and was near death after three consecutive seizures.
- Teen Mom Farrah Abraham was arrested for a DUI after almost hitting a police car and blowing twice the legal limit on a Breathalyzer test. “But officer, I’m sick and the only cure is alcohol…lots of lots of alcohol.”
- Holly Madison, former Girl Next Door, dished about how hard breastfeeding is. UMMMMMM, do you not read my blog, Holly?
- Skiing sensation Lindsey Vonn is dating Tiger Woods and she has the senior yearbook superlative pictures to prove it.
Well, we’re all going to hell in a handbasket.