Tom and Katie: The world’s biggest sham

I’ve spent the past four days thinking of two things: sleeping in my own bed and Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise.

After the news broke, I quickly threw together a Celebrity Roundup, then began forming a conspiracy theory about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sham courtship, marriage and family life. I was shocked, yet not shocked. It was clear from the beginning that something was “off” about this couple, and on paper they wouldn’t last. A marriage like that is worth as much as the paper their pre-nuptial agreement was printed on.

But something about this split shocked me. Maybe it was because I expected it to last at least a little bit longer — 10 years maybe — or maybe it’s because Katie Holmes is the one who filed for divorce, boldly asking for sole legal custody of Suri. Maybe it’s because it seems more like a prisoner escaping than a divorce.

With the help of Lindsey, my celebrity gossip partner in crime, who kept me abreast of the latest developments while I was eating biscuits and gravy and chasing my child around, I present some cold hard facts on everything from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ dating, marriage, divorce..and even a little Suri Controversy.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: Why Katie?

First and foremost, I did not understand why Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes in the first place. He’s one of the richest and most powerful men in Hollywood and she was a b-list TV actress, with the bonus of starring in a big blockbuster (Batman Begins) — for which she got terrible reviews — right before Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise hooked up.

The answer, of course, lies in the Church of Scientology. Andrew Morton, Tom Cruise biographer, wrote in the New York Post that Katie was essentially cast by the CoS to play Tom Cruise’s wife. Rumor has it that the CoS auditioned the likes of Penelope Cruz (remember that?) Sofia Vergara and Scarlett Johnannsen as potential wives, but none would commit to converting. It wasn’t until Katie Holmes mentioned in an interview with Seventee Magazine that she wanted to marry Tom Cruise when she was younger that the CoS knew they had the perfect 3rd wife for Tom.

A pretty young actress with enough press to be known, but not enough work to be powerful or sought after, who has the opportunity to be with her childhood crush — and would most likely do anything to get married.

There’s your answer.

Is Suri really Tom Cruise’s child?

The original “bump-gate”, Katie Holmes had a disappearing bump just like Beyonce and was pregnant for 14 years like Jessica Simpson.

Here are the facts I gathered.

• Katie Holmes broke up with fiance Chris Klein only 6 weeks before she became engaged to Tom Cruise
• Suri’s birth certificate was not filed for 20 days after her birth, even though St. John’s HOspital (where she was born) has a policy that birth certificates need to be filed within 10 days of a baby’s birth.
• The attendant who signed the certificate was not in the delivery room and never saw Suri after her birth.
• Neither Tom nor Katie signed certifying the birth — a representative, labeled as “friend” with an illegible signature, is listed.
• No one say Suri for a full 6 months after her birth, when Vanity Fair published exclusive photos by Annie Leibovitz.
• I’m not convinced this child looks 6 months old; I think she looks older. Mamas, weigh in.

• Tom Cruise was married two times before and has never had a biological child — and there have been rumors that he is sterile.
• Katie Holmes gave birth in April, so she had to have conceived in July of the year before. That’s only three months into a relationship when he and Nicole did not have a child in the entire 10 years they were together. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice, but this was a high-profile coupling that move tremendously fast, and seemed to happen really conveniently.

So, my theory on this is that yes, Suri is Tom’s child, but there is something mighty fishy about her pregnancy. At first I thought she was faking her pregnancy and it was Chris Klein’s baby, but the timing is way off (even if they got pregnant right before their breakup in late March 2006, and the pregnancy was faked, Suri would have been MUCH older in the Vanity Fair photos.) My theory? Suri is his child, but could be a pawn in the Scientology game.

What’s Scientology have to do with it?

A lot, actually. It’s no secret this is a big hot topic in the Tom Cruise and Katie HOlmes divorce and a main motivator for Katie’s desire for sole custody of Suri.

• Katie was under a “contract” in which she got $3 for each year of marriage up to 10 years — for a total of $33 million. She got a bonus for kids — originally, an “heir and a spare”. The minimum on this contract, according to Andrew Morton, was five years.
• Tom Cruise is reportedly de-facto second-in-command of the entire CoS.
• Katie Holmes filed for divorce in New York City in part to have a better chance at getting sole custody. Katie going up against Scientology and Tom Cruise in such a BIG and secretive way is taking a huge chance — to me, it’s someone who is scared for the safety of her child.
• Katie’s “breaking point” was when she overheard Tom Cruise’s adopted children, Isabella and Connor, talking about Sea Org (a military-like camp for blossoming Scientologist children).