Celebrity Roundup: Only in America

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Oh! Hi. I didnt’ see you there. I was just over here perfecting the art of sleeping with my eyes open and my fingers on my keyboard so I can get a little extra rest during the day.

Anyway, it’s Friday again, and what a FRIDAY! Tonight is the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympic Games in London. I love me some Olympics and the opening ceremony is a fav of mine, although it’s the first Olympics with a baby, so staying up late to watch athletes parade across the screen in ridiculous outfits might not trump going to sleep.

There’s nothing like the Olympics to get us in the American spirit, to come together and cheer on our country with chants of USA! USA! from the comfort of our couches.

Celebrities were taking full advantage of the liberties they have as Americans by acting hella dumb this week. It’s been a gossip packed week with lots of plot-thickening action, so let’s get right to it.

The Jacksons. Oh, the Jacksons. Just when we thought that the weirdest of the bunch was resting in peace, they had to capitalize on their crazy in a convoluted plot for…money? I’m not sure. Behold the deets.

Last week, TMZ reported that Randy Jackson (not of American Idol fame, in case you’re playing Jackson Family bingo at home and can’t find that Randy Jackson on your board) and Jermaine Jackson hatched a plot to “kidnap” their octogenarian mother, Katherine Jackson, and force executors of Michael Jackson’s fortune to step down. The bothers’ goal? To become conservators of the fortune, giving them access to more than $70,000 a month.

Jermaine Jackson released a statement denying the claim, but. BUT!

A missing person’s report was filed Sunday after Michael Jackson’s children, Paris, Prince and Blanket, claimed they had no contact with their grandmother, who acts as their guardian, in a week. Paris confirmed she hadn’t spoken with her grandmother via Twitter.

The next day, the cray escalated as several Jackson kids (including Janet, Randy and Jermaine) followed an SUV with Paris, Prince and Blanket through the gates of Katherine Jackson’s home. Michael’s siblings tried to strong-arm Paris, Prince and Blanket into leaving with them in their SUV and go to Arizona, where Katherine was allegedly staying to “de-stress” (without access to a phone or computer)(which sounds like torture to me.) During the scuffle, Janet Jackson slapped Paris’s hand a, tried to steal her phone and called her a “spoiled bitch.” If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Throughout the whole ordeal, Paris took to Twitter, sending desperate messages (as 14-year-olds are wont to do) and retweeting fans who sent messages of support – another fascinating element of social media in the lives of celebs and giving e’rybody more information that they probably needed to know about the feud.

ANYWAY.

Mid-week, TJ Jackson, Tito’s son, stepped up at an emergency hearing  and gained temporary guardianship of the children. Some say TJ was the voice of reason in this whole mess, which isn’t really saying a lot, now is it? Katherine Jackson called Paris, Prince and Blanket at 2 a.m., sounding “sedated”, and requesting to come home to her Callabas home three times during the conversation.

Paris, Prince and Blanket were finally reunited with their grandmother early Thursday morning. Katherine Jackson released a statement saying she’s “good and fine” and that her children “would never do anything to me like that.” She also said she had a lovely time in Arizona (if you’re gonna get kidnapped, get kidnapped to Arizona and have a great time! I just wrote Arizona’s new ad campaign, y’all!)

Although the Jackson kids deny any wrong-doing, Prince finally broke his silence, tweeting a screen shot from a text message between him, Janet Jackson, Rebbie Jackson and Austin Jackson (I have no idea who that is) stating the following:

SoOoOoO, if this is still too confusing for you, check out the Gawker Revised Hierarchy of Jackson Family Craziness and the Crushable Idiots Guide to Jackson Family Drama.

Or check out my visual guide to the Jackson Family.

Only in America can sibling concoct an intricate plan to kidnap their grandmother while the granddaughter tweets about the drama and people like Janet Jackson don’t understand the concept of “Reply All.”

You know what else celebrities in America love? Cheatin’. They can’t get enough of it! It’s an epidemic! Call the CDC! The latest celebrities caught up in a cheating scandal are Kristen Stewart, 22 year old star of the Twilight francise and new movie Snow White and the Huntsman, and director of Snow White , Rupert Sanders. The couple were busted by US Weekly during a steamy make-out sesh in her car, in a public place, in broad daylight.

Kristen Stewart has been dating Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson for three years, and Rupert Sanders is married to model Liberty Ross (the couple have two children.)

After news of the affair broke, Rupert and Kristin both released statements. Kristin apologized for the hurt and embarrassment: “This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” Rupert said: “”My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

(Love them enough to release a statement, but not enough to not cheat, if you’re keeping score.)

Robert Pattinson has been anti-cheating for awhile (that’s the dumbest statement I’ve ever typed) and Liberty Ross took to Twitter with a single word: “WOW.” (Liberty Ross had previously copped to problems in the couples’ relationship in a recent interview.)

What’s next for Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart? Well, for one, Robert has moved out of the home they shared together. Kristin, who interviewed that she wished something bad would happen to her, is finally getting what she dreamed about.

For more on the drama, check out US Magazines’s Cheating Scandal Timeline.

One and done and God Bless America!

 

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