Celebrity Roundup: Inside the Tom and Katie Divorce

You guys, this week has been basically a celebrity gossip writer’s dream come true. For those of you who are pretty much over the whole Tom and Katie thing, I’ll see you next week with some (hopefully) different stories. For those of you who love you some TomKat conspiracy? Stick around. There are plenty of links coming your way.

First, I’d be remiss in mentioning the passing of a television legend earlier this week. Andy Griffith, best known as Andy Taylor, the beloved sheriff of Mayberry on The Andy Griffith Show, died Tuesday morning at his home in North Carolina at the age of 86. Although the actor, also known with the grey crowd as hard-hitting lawyer, Matlock, suffered from a variety of illnesses, including coronary artery disease, hypertension and high cholesterol, Andy Griffith’s death certificate listed the cause of death as a heart attack.

The star’s family wasted no time in burying him — per his wishes — holding a funeral and burial at his Roanoke Island family farm just hours after his death. Rest in peace, Andy. Hope heaven’s front porch is as amazing as can be.

Go brush your teeth so you won’t get cavidties from that last line above, then tell me, do we care about Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? I can’t decide. Anyway, rumors swirled this week that the teenage musical pair are on the rocks, and have, in fact, broken up multiple times in the past two months. On Monday, Selena Gomez was seen at a party for Ashley Tisdale without her beau. The couple seemed to discredit these rumors with a PDA filled dinner at Pink Pepper Thai in Los Angeles.

Is it all for show, or are these two crazy kids still in love? I finally decided….I DO NOT CARE.

A tad bit of baby news for all y’all. Matthew McConaughey and new bride Camila Alves are expecting their third child! They sure didn’t waste any time after the wedding. Also expecting? Actress Claire Danes with her first child, three years after marrying Hugh Dancy. If an actress who doesn’t act gets pregnant, does that news make a sound?

Babies were out and about this July 4, including Maxi (with mama Jessica Simpson  ) and Samuel Affleck (with mama Jennifer Garner and dad Ben Affleck). And in the weirdest Independence day news evah, Tori Spelling wore a bump-revealing bikini while she sat in a wheelchair at a cookout. Wha???

Hey, remember that time when Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah and jumped on the couch, proclaiming his love for one miss Kate “Katie” Holmes? And we were all like, UH, yeah, that’s fake?

Perfect segway to our special Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes edition of one and done!

• Katie and Tom fought “viscously” over Suri’s Scientology upbringing, which included Suri being fed a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup instead of formula or breast milk. Breast or bottle, can we all agree this is pretty awful?
• Scientologist leader David Miscaavige is a crazy creep who probably killed his wife at some point.
• Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes had the “best day ever” in NYC. Every day is the best day ever when you’re being carried everywhere.
• Scientology might be (probably is) the cause of Tom’s split with Nicole Kidman and for their adopted children disowning their mother. Nobody is shocked.
• Katie Holmes dropped some hints about her impending divorce in August’s Elle, publishing in late July.  People is giving an Angry Fist Shake at Elle as we speak.
• TMZ reported that Tom’s sources say the split is NOT over Scientology, but is simply a way for Katie to hurt Tom. Right, like he did to Nicole Kidman…Karma…..she ain’t just a stripper in Vegas.
• In the divorce papers, Katie cited the marriage was “irretrievably broken” 6 months prior to filing. Or, did you mean “in 2006 when we first got together.”
• Tom and Katie not only slept in separate beds, but in separate locations in NYC in the weeks leading up to the divorce filing. And also their entire marriage because it was a sham. Duh people. Furreally.
• Six-year-old Suri is now at the age where Scientologists think it’s OK to ask her questions to find out what her Mom and Dad have made her promise not to tell.  She’s so advanced, I bet she was ready at 5.
• Katie filing in NYC might lead to some tax trouble for Tom. I think Uncle Sam is the LEAST of his worries right now.
• Katie Holmes might get nothing from the prenup, according to some sources.
• Katie Holmes will appear in a family law courthouse on July 17 for her first divorce hearing and to request temporary child support.  oh man, she is in SO MUCH TROUBLE with Xenu.

In case you’ve forgotten how completely crazy Tom Cruise has become, watch the Scientology indoctrination video from a few years ago. Crazy town, people. Population Tom Cruise.