Once in awhile, TV brings us some amazing things.
I don’t mean great writing or powerful drama — I’m talking about the kind of thing that makes your jaw drop, makes you cover your eyes just enough to shield the horror, but at the same time leaving you in a breathless fit of giggles. It’s the kind of television that makes you glance at your husband or other television watching partner and say, “DID YOU SEE THAT? DID. YOU. SEE. THAT!!!!!!1111″
I’m talking about hot messes.
Hot mess, where wonderful meets terrible. The type of show you can’t decide is incredibly disgusting, unbelieveable and embarassing or if it’s plain genius.
Here are four of my favorite hot messes on television.
Austin Scarlett’s Mustache
So tragic that it deserves it’s own mention, Austin Scarlett’s mustache was a vital part of Austin Scarlett, DESIGNER (said with a faux European accent and a whole lotta flair), during this season’s Project Runway All-Stars.
Why does it qualify for hot mess status? Because Austin Scarlett, by himself, looks like a beautifully fragile porcelain doll. I know he’s wearing makeup — I KNOW IT — but when they show him, I can’t quite determine what makeup he is wearing. It’s applied so flawlessly, it almost looks like it’s just part of his skin.
Then appears a mustache — a thin but well filled-out fuzzy caterpillar perched precariously on his upper lip. So, now I’m sitting here here trying to figure out his makeup AND his 1920′s silent movie star mustache. I wish I could say it took me completely out of the show, but it didn’t.
Did you think Beverly Hillbillies could never possibly happen? Think again, friends. It has not only happened, it’s being filmed for CMT and it’s called Bayou Billionaires and it’s awesome.
Kitten and Gerald Dowden are the hard working matriarch and patriarch of a small-town Louisiana family who have had the good fortune of finding crude oil on their property. In exchange for usurping their natural resources, a company is sending them “mailbox money” — checks for hundreds of thousands of dollars — through the mail.
With their newfound fortune, they shower their family — daughters Valerie and Chantel, and sons Gerald Jr. and Thomas, assorted grandchildren and daughters-in-law and Chantel’s boyfriend, Albert (who could be his own entry, but we already touched upon that in the Celebrity Roundup) — with gifts, trips and new experiences. Such as Japanese food and veneers.
While Kitten and Gerald are sweet, normal and seem sort of in awe of their windfall, the kids are as much of a hot mess as you can find. All living within a half mile of their parents, all missing teeth, not one of them speaking clearly enough that you don’t, at times, wish there were subtitles, the Dowden kids are (Bless Their Hearts) a stereotype of Southern living.
Brides of Beverly Hills
Fashionista desperately holding on to her 40s (unsuccessfully) + an Asian Austin Scarlett + silicone Beverly Hills brides-to-be = a show that makes you wonder if you’re actually watching a skit on SNL instead of an actual show on TLC.
Abby Lee from Dance Moms
When I have nightmares, Abby Lee is at the center.
Abby Lee owns Abby Lee Dance Company in Pittsburgh. It must be good, because she verbally abuses her students in every single episode while stage moms watch and say nothing. Actually, that’s not true. Sometimes they yell back at her, but at no point do they say, “Hi. You can’t speak to my child that way. Go fly a kite. We’re leaving.”
What makes this a true hot mess is that Abby appears to be not only unable to dance, but unable to lift herself from a comfortable couch, ya hear me? So on one hand, her girls are really, really good at what they do. On the other hand? There is not enough therapy in. the. WORLD.
Have you seen any of these hot messes? Anything you’d like to add?