Well celebrity Roundup fans, it’s another Friday.
This week passed by surprisingly quick. I mean, it just feels like yesterday that I was all, “UGH, Monday” and my baby was all not sleeping a wink because of teething four molars at once, which 1) nobody told me there were molars at one year, so thanks for telling me everything else about motherhood in stunningly inappropriate detail, but forgetting to tell me about molars, mom bloggers and 2) teeth are kind of a crock, right? Because all that work, that pain and suffering for everyone in the house, just so they can all fall out and cost Mom and Dad money.
Teeth. Who needs em? Certainly not Albert from Bayou Billionaires.
But we’re not here to talk about a capuchin monkey picking God knows what out of a redneck’s tooth holes.
We’re here to talk first and foremost about Alicia Silverstone chewing up her son’s food and then letting him eat it straight out of her mouth and then posting it on the internet. Several people I know and love (Julie and Lindsey) refuse to watch it because the gross factor is an 11 on a scale of one to 10, so I watched it for them and can summarize it thus:
We’re also here to talk about how as of the original posting time of this week’s Roundup, Jessica Simpson still has not had her baby.
I am 99% sure she got pregnant before Hilary Duff. Yet, there Hilary Duff is, strutting her post baby bod in skin-tight leopard print jeans literally one week post-partum.
I mean, listen, I love making fun of Jessica Simpson as much as the next pop-culture fan, but really? Somebody strip her membranes or take her for a walk or do jumping jacks or feed her some spicy salsa or something because she makes me hurt just looking at her. Jessica Simpson stood up in a friend’s wedding this past weekend, wearing a beautiful pastel dress that had to have been two dresses sewn together in the belly area.
The singer, who has four more weeks of pregnancy (!!!) is trying to feel fierce even with 100 lbs of baby in her belly by plunking down $4000 on maternity clothing.
Jessica Simpson is either having twins or a fully grown man, and she’s also approximately 52 weeks pregnant. Hope the anesthesiologist has prepared the arsenal of drugs to get her through that labor and delivery.
Another day, another Friday where Jessica Simpson hasn’t given birth, and another Friday where we talk about Lindsey Lohan.
Lindsey Lohan is now a free woman as her formal probation came to an end Thursday afternoon. Judge Stephanie Sautner told People Lindsay did “everything the court asked her to do”, and passed down the ruling that she no longer has to report to her probation officer. Sautner left Lindsay Lohan with this warning: ” Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work.”
Will this conclude Lindsay Lohan’s appearances on the Celebrity Roundup? We can all hope so. Me, you and Jessica Simpson’s man-baby.
Another star you’ve grown to expect on the Celebrity Roundup? Snooki. Another Friday, another picture of Snooki tweeting pictures of her breasts.
Snooki, the ever classy Jersey Shore hoochie turned mama-to-be, Tweeted a picture of her cleavage in a neon top, adding: “I got swagger with my pregnant self.” Snooki’s picture-Tweeting escapades continued when she sent an unofficial engagement picture of her and fiance Jionni LaValle showing off her new $55k diamond ring and looking very senior prom-ish.
Could this be Snooki’s Celebrity Roundup swan song? According to Jersey Shore co-star Ronnie Magro, she’s cleaned up her act and has quit drinking (thank God, for the baby’s sake) – so let’s all bid a fond farewell to our favorite orange poof-head.
More of the same, but different! Don’t mind if I do:
- Gavin Rossdale was arrested wearing only a silk robe, tube shorts and boxers — but don’t worry, it was only for a role. Meanwhile, hipsters everywhere are making a run on silk robes and tube socks.
- Simon Cowell reportedly rejected Britney Spears for a judging spot on the X-Factor panel because he didn’t think contestants could take her seriously. People wouldn’t take a girl who hit someone with an umbrella seriously? What’s this world coming to.
- OctoMom Nadia Suelman posed nude to the tune of an $8,000 payday. She said it was to help provide for her kids, so I guess Arby’s wasn’t hiring.
- Dancing with the Stars dancer Tony Dovolani told Anderson Cooper he had to “go to therapy” after dancing with Kate Gosselin last season. At this point, medical schools should just offer a specialty in “Post Gosslin Stress Syndrome” for budding psychiatrists.
- Third time may be a charm for twice-married Jim Carrey, as he’s reportedly set to propose to Russian girlfriend Anastasia Vitkina. Clearly Russians have a different sense of humor than I do if she can stand Jim Carey’s nonsense.
- Forbes published a list of the most overexposed celebrities in America, including Lindsay Lohan, OctoMom and Snooki. So, basically each and every edition of the Celebrity Roundup.
- Tim Tebow released basically the nicest statement EVER thanking the team who traded him as well as his new team. I think he feels really good about the move, but I can’t find the right word to reflect it….
Need more celebrity snark? Head over to your “other half” of the Celebrity Fridays with Surferwife’s Fashion Disasters. Have an EXCITING weekend!
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