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Well celebrity Roundup fans, it’s another Friday.
This week passed by surprisingly quick. I mean, it just feels like yesterday that I was all, “UGH, Monday” and my baby was all not sleeping a wink because of teething four molars at once, which 1) nobody told me there were molars at one year, so thanks for telling me everything else about motherhood in stunningly inappropriate detail, but forgetting to tell me about molars, mom bloggers and 2) teeth are kind of a crock, right? Because all that work, that pain and suffering for everyone in the house, just so they can all fall out and cost Mom and Dad money.
Teeth. Who needs em? Certainly not Albert from Bayou Billionaires.
But we’re not here to talk about a capuchin monkey picking God knows what out of a redneck’s tooth holes.
We’re here to talk first and foremost about Alicia Silverstone chewing up her son’s food and then letting him eat it straight out of her mouth and then posting it on the internet. Several people I know and love (Julie and Lindsey) refuse to watch it because the gross factor is an 11 on a scale of one to 10, so I watched it for them and can summarize it thus:
We’re also here to talk about how as of the original posting time of this week’s Roundup, Jessica Simpson still has not had her baby.
I am 99% sure she got pregnant before Hilary Duff. Yet, there Hilary Duff is, strutting her post baby bod in skin-tight leopard print jeans literally one week post-partum.
I mean, listen, I love making fun of Jessica Simpson as much as the next pop-culture fan, but really? Somebody strip her membranes or take her for a walk or do jumping jacks or feed her some spicy salsa or something because she makes me hurt just looking at her. Jessica Simpson stood up in a friend’s wedding this past weekend, wearing a beautiful pastel dress that had to have been two dresses sewn together in the belly area.
The singer, who has four more weeks of pregnancy (!!!) is trying to feel fierce even with 100 lbs of baby in her belly by plunking down $4000 on maternity clothing.
Jessica Simpson is either having twins or a fully grown man, and she’s also approximately 52 weeks pregnant. Hope the anesthesiologist has prepared the arsenal of drugs to get her through that labor and delivery.
Another day, another Friday where Jessica Simpson hasn’t given birth, and another Friday where we talk about Lindsey Lohan.
Lindsey Lohan is now a free woman as her formal probation came to an end Thursday afternoon. Judge Stephanie Sautner told People Lindsay did “everything the court asked her to do”, and passed down the ruling that she no longer has to report to her probation officer. Sautner left Lindsay Lohan with this warning: ” Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work.”
Will this conclude Lindsay Lohan’s appearances on the Celebrity Roundup? We can all hope so. Me, you and Jessica Simpson’s man-baby.
Another star you’ve grown to expect on the Celebrity Roundup? Snooki. Another Friday, another picture of Snooki tweeting pictures of her breasts.
Wait. What?
Snooki, the ever classy Jersey Shore hoochie turned mama-to-be, Tweeted a picture of her cleavage in a neon top, adding: “I got swagger with my pregnant self.” Snooki’s picture-Tweeting escapades continued when she sent an unofficial engagement picture of her and fiance Jionni LaValle showing off her new $55k diamond ring and looking very senior prom-ish.
Could this be Snooki’s Celebrity Roundup swan song? According to Jersey Shore co-star Ronnie Magro, she’s cleaned up her act and has quit drinking (thank God, for the baby’s sake) – so let’s all bid a fond farewell to our favorite orange poof-head.
More of the same, but different! Don’t mind if I do:
- Gavin Rossdale was arrested wearing only a silk robe, tube shorts and boxers — but don’t worry, it was only for a role. Meanwhile, hipsters everywhere are making a run on silk robes and tube socks.
- Simon Cowell reportedly rejected Britney Spears for a judging spot on the X-Factor panel because he didn’t think contestants could take her seriously. People wouldn’t take a girl who hit someone with an umbrella seriously? What’s this world coming to.
- OctoMom Nadia Suelman posed nude to the tune of an $8,000 payday. She said it was to help provide for her kids, so I guess Arby’s wasn’t hiring.
- Dancing with the Stars dancer Tony Dovolani told Anderson Cooper he had to “go to therapy” after dancing with Kate Gosselin last season. At this point, medical schools should just offer a specialty in “Post Gosslin Stress Syndrome” for budding psychiatrists.
- Third time may be a charm for twice-married Jim Carrey, as he’s reportedly set to propose to Russian girlfriend Anastasia Vitkina. Clearly Russians have a different sense of humor than I do if she can stand Jim Carey’s nonsense.
- Forbes published a list of the most overexposed celebrities in America, including Lindsay Lohan, OctoMom and Snooki. So, basically each and every edition of the Celebrity Roundup.
- Tim Tebow released basically the nicest statement EVER thanking the team who traded him as well as his new team. I think he feels really good about the move, but I can’t find the right word to reflect it….
Need more celebrity snark? Head over to your “other half” of the Celebrity Fridays with Surferwife’s Fashion Disasters. Have an EXCITING weekend!
Want more celebrity snark, as well as pictures of food and shoes? Like me!
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[...] Want more celebrity chaos? Head over to Amanda Austin’s place for her roundup: It’s Blogworthy [...]
Twitter: lindseylu1011
Um, I just peed my pants reading this. I both loathe and pity Jessica Simpson. The first part mainly because I will be Team Nick Lachey forever and ever, and secondly because she will NEVER be thin again without surgical assistance. She ate a small family and a restaurant during this pregnancy, and not even Weight Watchers is going to be able to help her. But a good surgeon might! I just have to remain silent on that picture of Snooki and her victim, I mean fiance. SMH. I think Ocotomom was looking for a reason to get naked, because $8K isnt enough to get my clothes off, and I only have ONE kid to feed!!! On a final note- I CANT BELIEVE YOU WATCHED THAT VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I had to watch it, for the good of the people!!! And so I could compare her to a monkey! Yes I agree, sister was NOT tiny to begin with and she’s going to have some work to do to get back….those surgeons will be eagerly awaiting her call
Twitter: carribrown
Alicia Silverstone is sofa king disgusting. And Jessica Simpson? That poor thing should have calved two months ago.
This comment just killed me dead.
LOVE. And I’m laughing so hard I have tears for real.
This almost never happens to me. So thank you.
Calved. Bahahahaha!
Twitter: yorkiemomma
Sweet Mother of God! She is still pregnant? I get the feeling that we are NOT going to see her strutting a post partum body — if she ever gives birth!
Twitter: Samkanatzar
Sometimes I just want Tebow to be mean and say what you know he’s thinking “y’all are assholes for trading me! F you, f you, you’re cool, I’m out!”
Twitter: SaidKristin
Jessica Simpson isn’t due for another FOUR WEEKS?! Unpossible! She’s already been pregnant for the entire gestation period of an elephant (22 months) – and then some.
And re: the article about Hilary Duff – remember when going out for the first time after giving birth was just going out for the first time after giving birth, as opposed to “making your post-birth debut?” Yeah. Those were the days.
And I guess I just don’t love my child enough to feed her chewed-up food like a baby bird. And I’m OK with that. Pretty sure she is, too. Also, I refuse to watch that video.
I just can’t even comment on that Snooki creature. Not when there are women out there in the world who would give pretty much anything to have a child of their own and can’t. The universe sometimes works in some majorly effed-up ways. That’s all I’m sayin’.
Twitter: euregirlsandboy
I cannot believe Jessica Simpson has 4 more weeks! It’s ridiculous.
The Alicia Silverstone thing is gross. I let my baby put his pacifier in my mouth because he thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world, and I know it’s a little gross, but I don’t feel like it compares.
My husband made me watch that Tim Tebow video the other night and it was pretty funny!
Twitter: TheMommyMess
Alicia Silverstone? That is disgusting!!! WTH?
Poor Jessica! That looks so uncomfortable!
Hey now, no making fun of Jessica. She’s still way smaller than me at 32 weeks pregnant. And smaller than me 2 months post-partum. I wish I was kidding.
Twitter: kristinzas
I know this is unpopular but I totally don’t think silverstone is that gross. Do I do it? No.
But, eh.
I love your celebrity round-ups more than I love my own kids.
(Okay. Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but I swear I’m crying over the Jessica Simpson commentary. Crying.)
Yay, Friday!
Twitter: kindredadventur
So you had me with your post Becareful What You Wish For… Celebrity Gossip on Fridays?! I think I’m in love. So about Jessica… Holy belly! She must be having twins! That is one big baby belly!! Thanks for catching up on all the gossip! -LV
Twitter: kallaydoscope
God Bless Jessica Simpson. She has no idea that a toddler’s about to come racing out of her pieces. I’m going to say a little prayer for her. Cuz I’m a Christian and it’s the right thing to do. (See how terrified I am of becoming giant and pregnant again? I can’t even make fun of Jessica Simpson’s duvet cover come bridesmaid’s dress.)
Alicia Silverstone. What in the mother f*ck? Thank you for running this as the main read. I’m disturbed. I used to like her.
Also, YEAH! MOM bloggers… what about those molars? Two years, my brisket! One child has all of her teeth, the other is making a career of it, but mark my words… they’ll be here before she’s two. “Two Year Molars” is officially an old wives’ tale.
Yes, I absolutely positively refuse to watch that Alicia Silverstone video. REFUSE.
Also? the only reason I’m watching Fashion star is so that I can see Jessica go through her pregnancy. Week by week.
I know nothing about kids… so I’m glad I can’t be blamed for this molars deal. Although someday – God willing – if I have kids… I’ll keep this in mind.
Twitter: wellroundedhome
Oh, why do I have a weakness for celeb gossip and why do I hop myself over here every Friday to get my fill? Why? Because of crazy hilarious lines like the one about Jessica Simpson having twins or a full grown man. Absolutely pee-in-your-pants funny. And I have 3 small kids so stop being so funny before I actually do pee in my pants from laughing so hard. Heh-heh!
Twitter: mytimeasmom
How is it that Snooki is really pregnant? When are they going to announce it’s fake?
I was laughing OUTLOUD this week. You are hysterical. I CANNOT believe Jessica Simpson still has 4 weeks to go. Are you kidding??? This is the longest pregnancy ever. And Snooki…I can’t even wrap my mind around that one. And I don’t even want to try.
Yeah, J. Simp has been pregnant at least as long as my friend who gave birth in JANUARY. Seriously. And yes I was deeply disturbed earlier last week when I watch that Alicia Silverstone video. Cher from Clueless would never have done that to her son.
Twitter: mycrazybusylife
The Alicia Silverstone video is the weirdest, grossest shiz I’ve seen in a long time. What the frack was she thinking? Gag.
Jessica Simpson must have been part of the I’m pregnant-eating for two-eat whatever I want- school of thought. I’m also pretty sure she gained more weight in this pregnancy than I did with all 3 of mine COMBINED.
Twitter: jmomiller
I fully believe JS announced her pregnancy like 3 days in so she could maximize the press.
[...] popcorn, sit back and watch this train wreck unfold — she’s one wild night away from Lindsay Lohan territory. Wait, did we talk about Miley Cyrus cutting her hair? She did. Miley Cyrus said it was a real [...]