How Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Almost Ruined My Christmas

I originally posted this Christmas 2009, but it’s still one of my favorite posts I’ve ever written and nobody read my blog then, so I thought I’d resurrect it for my new readers. 

Plus, everything else is on repeat. I might as well repeat on my blog.

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How Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Ruined Christmas

I just want to know how I went 29 years without realizing how emotionally devastating Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is.

It’s not like Rudolph is a holiday tradition for us. We watch the likes of White ChristmasElfCharlie Brown Christmas andChristmas Vacation. Apparently I don’t have a problem with those.

Last night nothing was on, so we decided to get festive and watch Rudolph. I was already tired and drained and within the first 5 minutes of that program I knew that I would probably need a box of tissues.

I mean honestly, Donner is horrible to his son. Who cares if he’s a little different, he’s your flesh and blood! Way to be supportive, jerkoff. And Santa comes into their little cave and he’s all, Donner you’re going to have to get that red nose taken care of if you expect your son to EVER join my team. Donner, father of the year over here.

And speaking of Santa, mercy, what a mean old bastard he is! What was wrong with the song the elves sang…tell me WHAT? He’s like, “It’s horrible! I hate it!!” and Mrs. Claus gets all enable-y and says “Now, Papa, calm down and eat more so you can be a fat Santa”, which I think it’s less that he needs to be “plump and jolly” and more that she is trying to slowly kill him with diabetes and hypertension because he’s SO MEAN. Then later he’s like, “I’m sorry I can’t eat this purple food that is injected with human growth hormones so I can get inexplicably fat within 5 minutes of eating it, but these elves and their God-forsaken joy! It makes me so ANNNGGRRRRYYYY!” And do they have kids? Then why are they calling each other Mama and Papa? Nothing about it makes sense.

So then there’s that poor elf who just wants to be a dentist…GOOD FOR HIM FOR HAVING DREAMS. No point faulting him for wanting more out of life than slaving away making toys for some slave driver, and I’m pretty sure they are breaking alllll kinds of labor laws up in Christmas Town!

Then there are those insufferable reindeer teenagers who exclude Rudolph from their games even though he was the only one of them who could fly. And Comet the so-called coach was the ringleader in all this! You know Comet probably volunteers just because he wants to get away from his nag of a wife 5 days a week and exercises his displaced anger on these poor little reindeer.

And that one little doe loves Rudolph just the way he is and think his nose is perfect just the way it is, and even though her song is treacly and awful, it’s probably the most positive thing Rudolph has EVER heard in his short life.

I’m surprised that Rudolph isn’t a cutter.

And Yukon Cornelius, what’s his problem? Escape from a mental facility much? I don’t understand why he thought throwing his pick in the air and then licking it would help him find silver OR gold, and besides that, what’s he going to do with silver and gold? But I guess when he said silver and gold he meant peppermint, because he’s so plum crazy that he can mistake silver and gold for peppermint.

MENTAL ILLNESS PEOPLE.

I’m not even going to start on the Island of Misfit Toys because I can’t even think about it without tearing up. Considering my niece was interested more in the boxes her toys came from than the actual toys for the first 3 years of her life, it’s truly hard to believe it was THAT hard for Santa to find a home for them. And I still don’t know what hideous deformity that sweet little rag doll had.

OMG you guys, I just read this on Wikipedia.

“A Dolly for Sue (as she calls herself)” is a seemingly normal girl rag doll with red hair and a red gingham (checkered) dress. Her misfit problem is never explained on the special, but was revealed  that Rudolph’s producer, Arthur Rankin Jr., says Dolly’s problem was psychological, caused from being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from feeling unloved.[1]

A doll with abandonment issues, that’s rich. That flying lion is a saint. He should replace Santa.

OK, then the end is just so ridiculous. First, the Abominable Snowman is not scary at all, just slow-moving and awkward. Second, he’s stupid as crap considering that he was tricked by the misfit elf literally saying “Oink. Oink.” Like, he didn’t even try to sound like a pig. But no matter — the bumble was still completely fooled by it. I mean honestly. And my heart broke when Yukon Crazy and the “bumble” fell over the ledge, not necessarily for either of them but for those random dogs that were pulling Crazy’s sled. It was like, a Pekingese, a Dachshund  and a Yorkie. Pulling a sled with a husky, full-sized man and his mining gear.

But never mind trying to send for help or anything, Rudolph and crew, they are obviously lost and gone forever so don’t worry about it. Merry Christmas to you guys, too. Good thing that Yukon Crazy found his way out from the depths and rehabilitated the “bumble” so that he can help with things that are tall?

I felt like the whole show as a mexican food fueled bad dream.

UPDATE

I just found this open letter to Rudolph. Awesome. I love the internet.

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