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Fact: I’ve never once admitted that I don’t believe in Santa Claus.
As far as I remember, I never had a conversation with my parents that included the phrase, “Listen, I don’t believe in Santa” or “Honey, Santa isn’t real.”
I never wanted to admit it, although — come on — because as long as I pretended Santa is real, I kept getting stuff under the tree on Christmas morning. I mean, who is going to hop off that gravy train? They knew that I knew and I knew they knew I knew, but on December 25 every year I woke up and oohed over all the presents Santa left and wow, isn’t he sneaky? and how did he know this is what I needed?
Apparently Santa didn’t get the memo I moved to Florida because I haven’t had a Santa gift since then. Mom and Dad have stepped in with the good stuff. Not that I’m complaining, but come on, Santa, hook a sister up!
Here are a few things on my grownup Christmas list:
Why do I need a sewing machine, you ask?
- Because I’ve watched several seasons of Project Runway and I’m pretty sure that’s as good as actually learning how to sew.
- I could make so many things on Pinterest, you guys. SO MANY THINGS.
Imagine how much money I’d save on clothing! I could even sell stuff on Etsy! I could be a millionaire!
Hi. Hello. This is me, thinking if I bought a fancy Nikon camera I’d be able to take amazing pictures with the kit lens. I mean, I know I can if I try hard enough but I don’t want to try hard, I want to just adjust a couple settings and BOOM, straight up eye candy.
This is what Cathy told me I should buy because she’s a smarty when it comes to stuff like that.
Santa, I know this seems like just an expensive hobby, but think of the money we could save on baby portraits! I can’t make the background blur with my kit lens. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL BLOG IF MY PICTURES AREN’T BLURRED IN THE BACKGROUND? I’ll be the laughingstock of the bloggosphere.
Just, like, once a week. Hell, once every two weeks. She doesn’t even have to clean the toilets. Why do I care if the toilets are clean or not? Spoiler alert, I don’t. I just need someone to wash up dishes, unload the dishwasher, vacuum up the dirt so my son doesn’t put it in his mouth and do some small loads of laundry.
I’m a simple woman. Three wishes, that’s all I ask for. Santa, can you hear me?
What’s on your grown-up Christmas list?