Celebrity Roundup: Give ‘em the shocker!

Ok, here is the thing. I have good news and bad news.

Good news: Lots of shocking celebrity news this week.

Bad news: Part of it is about the Kardashians.

I know, I know. I promised to stop writing about the KK Clan because you all pretty much completely hate them, and the last thing I need is to write a recap consisting of things my readers hate. Then again, as the premiere celebrity blog “journalist” living in north central Florida in my house, it’s my obligation to report the “news”, even if y’all hate it.

(Imagine the biggest air quotes E-VAH.)

So here it goes…prepare to be shocked like you were an 11 month old baby with an affinity for chewing on extension cords.

kim-kardashian-files-for-divorceMonday the faux celebrity world was rocked to its core after Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries Seventy. Two. Days. Or ten weeks or 1728 hours of beautiful, pure, true love.

Kris Humphries, who is reportedly a very religious guy, does not believe in divorce, and was shocked to discover Kim had filed. He  allegedly found out the same time we did. Kim Kardashian — kold as ice!!

Sources close to the couple say the break-up was triggered by a disagreement as to where the couple would live. Kris, who hails from Minnesota, wanted to settle down there and make some big headed, ginormous babies — but Kim wanted to stay in LA to be closer to her family and all that undeserved fame. If a fake celebrity moves to Minnesota and no paparazzi is there to take her pictures, is she still famous? We may never know.

Kim denied spousal support to Kris, and all the money she made before and during their brief marriage will stay with her, according to the iron clad prenup (which, for the record, was Kim’s “something new”.)

What’s still up for negotiation is the $20 million dollar engagement ring. Mama Kris says Kim shouldn’t give back the ring, nor should Giant Kris (that’s his new name for the remainder of his 15 minutes of fame) ask for the ring back. She told Good Morning America  she “hates Indian givers” — a comment that got her in hot water with a Native American group.

I just want to add that I am not shocked that they are getting a divorce because it was pretty clear they would get there eventually, but I am shocked that it only took 72 days. I thought it would be months before this happened, honestly.

Now Kim Kardashian can live in infamy on E! News’ list of Hollywood’s shortest marriages.

In more shocking celebrity news, if shocking means “*yawn* we knew this three weeks ago”, Jessica Simpson officially announced her pregnancy via a really odd and off-putting mummy costume. Proving she’s smart enough to make a pun (or at least hire someone who is smart enough to make a pun), she Tweeted a pic of her dressed up with the caption, “It’s true! I’m going to be a mummy!” Get it? Mummy? *sigh*

Hold on to your hats and mugs of coffee because this next one is going to blow you away. Earlier this week, Justin Beiber — the Beibs — dismissed rumors that he fathered a child with 20-year-old  Mariah Yeater . The fan alleges the two had sex after a show in LA last year, and that Justin Bieber declined to use protection because it was his first time. Yeater is demanding financial support for her 3-month-old child.

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber fans are about to CUT A BITCH through Twitter. Listen, I was a pretty big NSYNC fan back in the day and those girls were cray-cray, but I dont’ think they hold a candle to this bunch of virtual crazy. A sampling of what they were tweeting about his alleged baby-mama:

@EvelynHorwitz: “Dear Mariah Yeater, Roses are red violets are blue, stay away from Bieber or Beliebers will kill you.”

@KarenortizJDB: “I should give you a device. Well, go away before millions of Beliebers kill you.”[NOTE: I do believe she meant to say "ADVICE" but "a device" works too.]

Somebody call the psych ward, clear out some space and put out the guest towels because really? These girls need to be locked up.

Let’s also laugh heartily at the word Beliebers.

Sufficiently shocked yet? Here’s some more dooseys to finish out your Friday:

Until next time!

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