Celebrity Round-Up: Toddlers & Tiaras

It’s a sad day in the blogosphere when there isn’t even enough celebrity gossip for me to throw together a round-up.

Or maybe this short week has thrown me for a loop.

Either way, I didn’t get a recap written, so instead I’m pulling this little guy out of the archives. I’m proud to say this single post has brought me lots of search engine traffic with keywords like “Toddlers and Tiaras is creepy”. Yes, yes it is.

Enjoy. And while you’re enjoying, imagine that beautiful day in the near future when I write an entire post about Dance Moms — or as I like to call it, When Toddlers Grow Up.

Oh! And if you’re so inclined, spend a little extra time on Twitter today for Blog Boycott Day!

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My quest to find  the best reality/trainwreck shows has introduced me to some real doosies.

There’s the Real Housewives of Orange County, wherein no part of their bodies are real; What Not to Wear, wherein the snarky hosts pick apart some unsuspecting frumpy Momma and give her a complex; Policewomen of Broward County, wherein the lady cops are badass; 18 19 Kids and Counting, wherein some freakshow parents are raising a cult of creepy kids; and Super Nanny, wherein parents who probably don’t have any business raising kids are taught how to raise their kids.

Image via

And then there is Toddlers&Tiaras, part of the lineup on ratings whore juggernaut, TLC, and it’s not-quite-as-good counterpart, Little Miss Perfect (found on WE).

So, T&T documents the detail in which these girls go to win cash and prizes, not limited to crowns with ridiculous amounts of , trophies taller than them and puppies. Yes, puppies.

But in the super sub-specialty of this show, there is this particular episode featuring the WV Walk of Fame that was so terrifyingly awesome, I had to take detailed notes so I could write about it, and my words will NOT do it justice; I suggest you all run right to your DVRS and search for the WV Walk of Fame episode of T&T.

I keep wanting to call it the WV Walk of Shame, but that’s about 10-12 years too soon for these girls.

Each show follows two or three girls. The one I’d like to talk about is named Jayla. Jayla, how can I say this in the most PC way possible. I can’t. Jayla’s Dad, Dwayne, I’m 99.9999999% sure this pageant dad is gay, although he’s married to Jayla’s Mom. But Dad loves him some glitz pageant,  y’all.

Here is a video of Jayla’s Dad.

“My husband does her routines. It’s just a Dad and Daughter thing, I guess,” Jayla’s Mom says with all the enthusiasm of a person headed in for a root canal.

Dwayne gets down to this pageant business. First, they make a stop at the dress maker to check on her super-fancy dress. “It looks just like we drawed it [sic] Jayla!” Indeed!

After they get home, Jayla practices with a little help from Dwayne, who is sashaying, sassy walking and pouting right along with Jayla. Then, they bond a little more during the spray tan session with Dwayne’s personally owned spray  tanning gun. He says that tanning makes them look leaner and healthier. Because, come on, nobody likes a porky looking 6-year-old child. And what’s healthier than the illusion of skin cancer? NOTHING.

“Jayla, YOU’LL BE DARK!!!!” (Sir, please put down the spray gun.)

Later, at the pageant, Dwayne is there to cheer on his little girl, but lest you think he’s nothing but a selfless, supportive father, his real motive shines through when he puts the crown she won on his own head and said, “Look, Jayla, I’m wearing your CRROOWWWNNN!!”

Some other gems from this episode:

• A mom said she spent $3000 on a dress for her daughter. The daughter just likes the sparkles.
• This pageant has all ages, including tiny babies who came right out of the womb and were dressed in a pink sparkly gown; their hobbies include: being carried and trying to hold their heads up (I presume, because what else do babies do?)
• Jayla’s hobby is  “helping her daddy to make her a fashion diva”.
•  One mom says: “she’s not fake when she does this, it’s all her.” Oh you mean other than the fake hair and teeth and lashes?
•  The pageant director says:  “The problem with red carpet wear isn’t with the child, it’s with the mom. You can’t just go out to Walmart and buy something. That’s not what the judges are looking for.” So, something classier then? Like Target?
• Jayla later is crying her eyes out because she’s tired and hungry and Dwayne says that it’s been stressful and fun. FUN?
•  Everyone at this pageant gets a crown and trophy and no money.
•  One little girl has a stage name, Tootie. She honest-to-God has a split personality and also talks about Tootie in the 3rd person, like it’s someone else. She says: “I get to be perfect. I LOVE to be perfect.” and  “Tootie won 10 grand. They’re a lot of pretty girls in the world and they can’t all win. Unless they are Tootie.” Well that’s just a mental breakdown waiting to happen after the first bad grade she gets in high school or college.

I swear these little girls are prettier than me. Where’s my fake nails and spray tan and hairdresser? Life is so unfair.