Last night, I climbed into my son’s crib.
If the me of today went back in time and met with the me of 2009 and said, “Me of 2009, I threw one, then two legs over the bars of a baby crib and hopped in,” the me of 2009 would say, “This chick has a case of the cray-cray. Please proceed to the nearest rip in the space/time continuum and let me get back to my drinking a glass of wine and relaxing with an episode of the Bachelor.”
The hop into the crib transpired because I’m decidedly less smart than a crib sheet. Add that to the other list of “baby things that confuse me”, which includes onesie snaps and the twist ties attaching new toys to their box.
I noticed the crib sheet needed change. Normally Hub does this because it includes pulling the mattress out of the crib and pulling awkwardly, and I have short arms and legs, so this is a challenge for me. But Hub wasn’t around, so I had to undertake this feat on my own.
I pulled one side of the mattress up and the corner of the sheet off. So far, so good.
I pulled the opposite corner off.
I tugged on the right bottom corner of the mattress. It moved an inch and became stuck. I pushed it down and it didn’t budge.
I tried pushing right top side back down so I could get a good grip on the mattress, and it also refused to budge.
So my situation at this point is a crib mattress that’s three-fourths of the way out of the crib with half a sheet, tiny arms incapable of doing anything and a baby whose sleep window is frighteningly close to slamming shut.
Which, of course, means I have no other choice than jump into the crib in order to get a better grip on the mattress.
The behavior of someone clinically insane and the behavior of a mother are embarrassingly similar. An inability to figure out something as simple as sheets on a crib is only one of the ways motherhood changes a person. I mean, one day you’re out to eat with your friends for happy hour, the next you’re discussing with your husband who the most annoying character on Shake It Up is.
But I don’t think I have one story from those childless days that’s quite as good as jumping in a crib.
Speaking of, anyone have a crib sheet to help me figure out crib sheets?