Britney Spears, time for retirement

You know how I do my celebrity round-up on Fridays  bright and early so y’all can read them while I’m wasting away in web policy meetings every Friday morning? Well, that was going to happen this past Friday, too, but apparently my computer lost the blog I wrote Thursday night. I don’t know how it happened, but I do know y’all missed some great news stories, a comparison between me and the Kardashian sisters, and an interesting article about how Morgan Freeman is getting it on with his 30 year old step-daughter.

That last one was just too good for me to keep to myself. Is your skin crawling now? You’re welcome. Happy Monday.

Now let’s talk about an artist who has always been near and dear to my heart: Britney Spears.

Back in the day, I was a big boyband fan. I mean, still to this day, I will stop the radio surfing when NSYNC is on. Like peanut butter and chocolate, Summer and flip flops and Lindsey Lohan and violating probation, boybands and female pop singers just naturally went together.

So, yeah, I grooved to some Britney Spears when I was younger.

We all know what happened in the years following her break-up with Justin Timberlake, which, let’s be honest, was the beginning of the end for her. She put out an sexy, “grown-up” album, married(and then annulled the marriage)  that one dude from Louisiana in Vegas by accident, married Kevin Federline, had two babies, probably started using some kind of drugs, developed an increasingly inflated and unjustified sense of entitlement, went to rehab, left rehab, shaved her head, hit that one papparazzi with an umbrella, went back to rehab, left rehab, went to another rehab, had a nervous breakdown, then finally, after her Dad became conservator of her money, sort of settled down and got her stuff together.

The perfect ending to this story would be, “Girl moves back home to Louisiana, buys a nice house for she and her sons and leads a quiet, happy life living off the residuals from her songs. The End.”

Instead, we have this:

As if there weren’t enough Britney Spears songs in our collective memory, she adds this one.

In the words of my BFF and ardent Britney supporter through thick and thin, the doe eyed stare at the camera worked at 16, but when you’re pushing 30, it’s just pathetic. Ignoring the weird outfit, bizarre skippy-sounding chorus, and the fact that she’s done the “papparazzi wont’ leave me alone!” video before, this video is just a sad reminder of what Britney Spears used to be.

Britney is like Elvis. Washed up, probably hopped up on drugs, slower and sweatier than the artist of his/her youth, but still trucking. Every new video or tour just proves how far she’s fallen, and you just look at her with pity in your heart and say, “aww. Bless your heart.”

I have three very specific memories of Britney Spears.

First, I remember listening to her second CD, the one featuring Lucky, while driving to and from my college boyfriend’s apartment every weekend.  He lived two hours away, and I would seriously rock out to some Britney Spears for two hours on that drive. (Circa 2001)

Second, I remember busting a move on the dancefloor to Toxic with my BFF Candace during a spring break trip to Vegas in grad school. We really showed those Midwestern college boys how it was done. (At least that’s how it is in my memory.) (Circa 2004)

Third, I remember following her crazy antics all day on Perez Hilton while I was working at the ad agency. I watched with a sick fascination as she slowly lost her mind. I know this is insensitive, but it was my favorite celebrity meltdown of all time.

I think it’s super clear that it’s about that time, Britney. It’s time to hang up your extensions and retire. Maybe in a few years, you can back some fitness equipment or diet plan. Or maybe be on Dancing With the Stars! But for now, please stop assaulting our eyes and ears with this crap. After all, research says that nobody remembers you as a singer, anyway.

Britney Spears graph of things she's remembered for

Graphs don’t lie.

What do you remember about Britney Spears?

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