Adventures at the Health Department

We took a big adventure to the Health Department last week to pick up a copy of my son’s birth certificate. And  because I’m on a maternity leave, a big day is putting on a real bra and changing into some fresh PJ pants, so this trip was especially interesting.

We parked in the front and walked into the building, which housed a clinic. The free clinic, I suppose. We asked the girl at the front desk where we could get his birth certificate.

“OK, walk down the hall, you’ll see two doors. Take the right door. Then keep walking down another hallway. The 4th door on your left, go through that. Then keep walking some more. You’ll go through the nine circles of hell, through the candy cane forest, look for the signs that say “Birth and Death Certificates”. Follow that sign. Walk 4 more miles, then you’ll be there.”


We finally reached the Birth/Death Certificates sign and found these lovely and festive Christmas deco:


How inappropriate is that skeleton dressed as a Santa? I mean, even if you are a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas, wouldn’t you think twice about setting up that particular decoration where people are headed to pick up the final reminder of their recent dearly departed.

So we order the birth certificate, which is scarily easy to do. Just show up, pay your $15 and pretend like you’re someone’s legal guardian or spouse. They didn’t’ even check a drivers license. A few minutes later it was ready.

“Mrs. Austin?”

Only one problem — my husband was the one who ordered it. His first name used to be a male name and now is used for many girls, so he gets it a lot and I think it’s super rude and presumptive of people. Also in the same “hate hut”: when people call me Amber (which is all the time) or think they are too important to remember my name in a business setting because I’m a young looking woman, but those are all complaints for a different day.

“Don’t you mean MR. AUSTIN? CLEARLY HE’S A MAN,” I smarted off to the lady at the front desk and my husband ushered me out quickly. I can’t be let out in public.

We left through a different door and found more adventures.

The Rash Room, y’all. It’s for people who need to go to the free clinic but have communicable skin diseases. There is a side door, even, so it’s sort of like an exclusive club. 
So there you go, our fun and exciting trip to the health department. 
I need to get out of the house more often.
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14 comments to Adventures at the Health Department

  • JMJE

    That sounds not fun at all. I had to walk through nine circles of hell and through the candy cane forest to get my marriage license. But it wasn't near a rash room. So that was a plus.

  • Rebecca Jo

    Oh my gosh… Jack Skeleton? Really?.. just wow…

  • Snuggle Wasteland

    Oh, that Christmas display is so inappropriate – It looks like something you'd see in Appalachia.

    The rash room? Sounds like a horrible paperback novel.

  • JessMel

    It is way to easy to get a birth certificate! I had to get my husband a new copy of his and did it online….it is a little scary.

  • just call me jo

    Going to the Health Dept. as an outing from pregnancy leave is NOT advisable…Health Dept. are wierd and have wierd attitudes–hence, the skeleton. (And why aren't those decorations down? It's way passed Christmas, folks. I was adopted long ago, so I still don't have my original birth certificate. It's holed up in the archives of somewhere. But I can get a copy of anyone elses pretty easy. Yes, it is scary.

  • Chicken

    I get called Amber ALL the freaking time. It's super annoying, either that or Samantha. Ummm yeah not even close.

    I want to visit the rash room! Is it like the Viper Room? Will Johnny Depp be in there handing out ointment?

  • foxy

    People really call you Amber?!? That is so weird. It would make me all stabby if people always got my name wrong.

  • The Random Blogette

    let's see, I am Jane most of the time. Umm don't the see the m in Jayme? I mean come on. Anyways, our Birth/Death Certificate office is in the basement area of our health department. It is like the setting for a horror movie!

    And LOL at the rash room. At least they have a separate room for that! it's like the one time I did a delivery to a Peds office and there was a separate waiting room outside for those with "special illnesses". IE Rashes, Lice, etc.

  • KLZ

    The rash room totally sounds like a club. I wonder if you have to be on the list

  • Stephanie in Suburbia

    Here's hoping you never have to see the inside of the Rash Room!

    Although it would make for a great blog.

    TOTALLY inappropriate decorations.

  • SurferWife

    Oh, here we go. This sounds like a scenario my husband and I would go through.

    Me popping off, him ushering me out.


  • Logical Libby

    Every time I am forced to go to the health department I feel like I need a Silkwood shower afterwards — and I have never even been in the rash room.

  • Liz

    First, that's the scariest damn Santa I've ever seen.

    Second, I think you've got a real knack for marketing given that fact you've turned having a communicable disease into an exclusive experience.

  • Crazy Shenanigans-JMO

    How inappropriate and bizarre!!!

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