Dear Gretchen from Project Runway

Anybody following Project Runway this season?

I really don’t like Gretchen.

Besides the fact that she’s largely untalented and a little bit of a harpie, the following things need to happen with her in my personal and professional opinion and also the opinion of my sister:

- She needs to eat a hamburger (or two)
- She needs a good haircut
- She needs to lay off the meth, there are clinics for that.
- She could make do with some makeup. A spot of rouge, a sweep of mascara, a dab of gloss.
- She needs to buy some clothes at somewhere other than a thrift shop.

Then there is also the show On the Road with Austin and Santino, two contestants from old Project Runways, a show that makes me question my faith in what is real and what is a sketch comedy skit.

He looks just like a porcelain doll. A FABULOUS porcelain doll.

This show both fascinates and appalls me. My sister and I watched WAY too many episodes of this and then neither one could erase the imagine of this entirely too beautiful man from our brains. The premise is that these two guys “road trip” to small towns in the Midwest and teach some rubes how to be fabulous by making them ball gowns and cocktail dresses out of found items. Like literally, stuff they find that can be turned into various types of fabric. But I get way too distracted by Austin’s alabaster skin and high, pink cheekbones. I just wish he would take a trip to Gretchen’s hometown and teach her a thing or two about makeup and clothes.

We also watched Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s clear that I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but it inspired me to do a “sassy pout” for my sister’s camera:

Additionally, look how ginormous my belly looks.

So there’s that.

What else? Oh, how could I almost forget the breathtaking spoiled-ness of the ladies of Say Yes to the Dress – Atlanta. Oh MERCY, do those women have problems only found in a first world nation. Tell me, how many of you have ever uttered the phrase “I already have two wedding dresses, but I just don’t like them, so I’m here at this upscale boutique where dresses START at $1500 because Daddy wants his little girl to be happy on her special day”? I can imagine almost 100% of you have not, but 80% of the brides on this show have.

An example of “southern charm”:

However, there is one extra bright spot to this show and that is Monte, the fashion director of the company. He is all kinds of awesome. He basically swoops in when a bride isn’t sure that $5000 is worth it, “jacks her up” with a veil and some earrings, and guilts her into buying. It’s phenomanal and I want Monte in my life always as a life coach. I want him to “jack up” my ideas and make everyone agree.

What do all these random shows have in common? They were all on the playlist of my Super Special Sister Saturday. I think Teen Mom was also on there for one hot minute, too. Random entertainment for some random girls.

Do you watch any of these shows? If you’re married, how many wedding dresses did you have? Do you wish Toddlers & Tiaras would go die a fiery death?

This post has been a part of Word Up, Yo!, a vocabulary meme. Go play along!

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26 comments to Dear Gretchen from Project Runway

  • seriouslytake2

    I love Toddlers & Tiaras. The parents terrify me and the editing cracks me up. I LOVE them for putting mom's voiceover of how she doesn't think she's sexualizing her daughter with a clip of said daughter dropping it like it's hot in the dance studio, or mom saying they'll stop anytime daughter doesn't want to do it anymore over a clip of a total meltdown. Love.

  • Natalie

    I only watch Project Runway, so I can only comment on that one…Gretchen SO needs to do something with her hair! It drives me crazy! And she's too skinny. And bossy. And irritating ;)

  • KLZ

    This made me think of doctor leo spaceman advising jenna maroney on how to lose weight. He hands her a pamphlet called "you do the meth." I love 30 Rock. There's something just so "Haley" about it.

  • Scraps

    Another lover of the T&T… my Aunt (my age, step-batch of Mom's siblings) was in pageants from an early age and while they were, I think, simpler in a lot of ways, it's like a peek into what her childhood must have been like and a lot to do with the trainwreck some of her life has been. Just craziness.

    My favorite is STILL the little girl who wanted to win the money so she could buy a cow.

  • The Only Girl

    I love "Say Yes" and will now have to hunt down "On the Road".

    I could really use a Super Special Saturday filled with trashy reality shows. With lots of snacks.

    Your belly is beautifully ginormous! How many weeks do you have left?

  • Audreya

    I feel the same way about Gretchen on PR. Plus, she needs to stop whatever pop-n-lock dancing thing she does all the time.

    I do find myself caught up in wondering if Austin is real or some sort of beautiful ghost. But I love him. However, I do not love that they only visit states in the South. Including mine. There are tiny towns and rodeo queens everywhere, guys!!

    No Toddler and Tiaras for me. This show's death would be fine with me! I do say yes to Say Yes To The Dress. And I only had ONE dress… which was a budget-buster for my purposes and still WELL below most of these girls' starting budgets.

    TV addicts… unite!!!

  • JMJE

    Sadly I do not watch any of these shows but you cute in that picture. I'm pretty sure I would be deeply disturbed if I watched Toddler and Tiaras.

  • tootie

    I'm addicted to Say Yes to the Dress. I cannot believe how much they spend on 1 dress (which will be worn for maybe 4 hours!)

  • My Husband's Watching TV...

    Too bad you're not having a girl so you could go on Toddlers and Tiaras!

  • Snuggle Wasteland

    I love Project Runway and Gretchen irritates me to no end. I'm going to search for On the Road because it sounds like I need to watch it.

  • mariahsmile

    I think the exact same things abour Gretchen, Austin, and Monte! Love those shows!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    I think On the Road with Austin and Santino is HILARIOUS! Seriously, the things those two wear! It's classic. This show has me laughing so hard I snort.

    Project Runway is fun, when I catch it. I also can't stand Gretchen, but sometimes I feel like the producers want us to hate her. So I feel bad for a milisecond. And then get over it and continue to wish her off the show!

  • Hutch

    Gretchen DOES need a burger, she's been on my watch list for awhile. Ivy is actually pissing me off more the last 2 episodes. Girl's got not talent outside of working a sewing machine, but still manages to put everyone else down. Win a challenge THEN you can talk.

    Everytime they talk about jacking a girl up on Say Yes, I think I of the kid from Talladega Nights. "I'll take you down like a spider monkey, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"

  • Sarah Mac

    That was the most awesome weekend. It makes me want to move to Gainesville so that every weekend can be like that. *Sigh*

    Austin makes me feel good about myself because he would actually make me look TAN!!!

  • Liz

    i've been seeing ads for the ATL version for a while, and i always giggle. they are going to play up the southern belle stereotype BIG TIME!

  • Crazy Shenanigans

    Oh my gosh!!! Where have I been?!! I had no idea that Austin and Santino and their own show now! Is it on Bravo or TLC? I can't believe I'm missing it!

    I watch Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta and I like it more than the NY one.

    PS: You look FABULOUS!

  • The Random Blogette

    I never really got into Project Runway, but that lady scares me. She definitely needs to get off whatver crack/meth she is on. Yuck!

    I am obsessed with Say Yes to The Dress, but haven't watched the new one in Atlanta! I will have to check it out.

    Your sassy pout is right on! You look adorable!

  • Salt

    Toddlers and Tiaras is like a trainwreck that I can't seem to look away from. Even my husband likes it. It's very weird.

    I don't watch any of these other shows though. Top Model is where it's at for me right now. The girls on this season are terrifying.

    Oh and I'm married. I just had one dress though.

  • steff

    i wonder if Gretchen was subjected to her own ceaseless over-criticizing and shrew-like harping on a steady loop if she would implode from a newly realized self-hate or if she would just determine that she loves herself even MORE than she clearly does already.
    i actually like a lot of her designs but i dislike her SO much that id rather see anyone else but her win.

  • conflictedmeangirl

    Oh, I feel like this post was made for me…
    I don't like Gretchen JUST because of her haircut. I can't see past it. She could find the cure for cancer and I still woudln't be ableto find it in my heart to like her.

    Toddlers and Tiaras is a staple on my DVR, but I rarely get to watch it because my husband refuses to be within earshot of it. Since I can't lock him outside, it doesn't leave much time to tune in.

    "problems only seen in a 1st world country" = genius line. I haven't been watching the Atlanta show yet, but my one and only wedding dress was actually on the original once and I was both thrilled and pissed. The girl hated the dress but I took comfort in the fact that I looked better in it ;-)

    And Teen Mom is a must watch. It gives me heartburn and leaves me wondering whether to call child protective services, but I watch it religiously.

    Now I will dive into your blog.

  • conflictedmeangirl

    I feel like this post was made for me.

    I don't like Gretchen expressly because of her haircut. I can't see past it. She could find the cure for cancer and I still don't think I could find it in my heart to like her.

    I love Toddlers & Tiaras but my husband refuses to be within ear shot of it. So since I can't lock him out of the house most episodes just sit unwatched in my DVR.

    I haven't gotten into the Atlanta SYTTD, but I saw my one and only wedding dress on the original once. It upset and thrilled me at the same time. The girl hated my dress, but I took comfort knowing it looked better on me. ;-)

    Teen Mom is a must watch. It gives me heartburn and leaves me debating whether to call child protective services, but I am addicted.

    Now I will dive into your blog.

  • SurferWife

    Surprisingly enough, I do not watch any of those shows.

    But holy hell do you ever look adorable!!

  • From Tracie

    I laugh when I watch the dress show, because my husband and I had three weddings (yes, to each other!) and I had two dresses. (one of which I bought at a JCPennys for $20 and wore at the first wedding and the reception for the second one)

  • Allyson

    First of all, that guy looks like a vampire. Maybe this is the reason you heart him so? Just a thought. ;) Although his skin and cheekbones are to DIE for. Also? I've been stalking your FB profile for belly pictures, so thank you for finally posting one. And finally, I actually used the wedding dress from ex fiance #3's wedding that was canceled 6 weeks out for my wedding with Neal. So, I think that means I have -1 dress right? I win. Although, I could also use an Austin in my back pocket for whenever I have those moments of self doubt or total lack of self confidence. How totally fantastic.

    PS I think I may need to rectify the no-cable situation (hey, did I use that correctly??) in KY before I come back up on Monday to spend a whole month. This is all your fault. xoxo

  • [...] Dear Gretchen from Project RunwayLet’s discuss this situation again, shall we?Jake “The Bachelor” waxes poetic about nothing [...]

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