A fairytale about plants

I have had a craptacular few days because ridiculousness is just boiling over into every aspect of my life. Sometimes I wonder how many times I’m going to say to myself “Is this really happening?” and/or “what is wrong with people?” and/or “am I taking crazy pills?”

So in honor of this week in ridiculous and so I can laugh so I won’t cry, I’ll be weaving some tales of a few of the best and then at the end of the week I’ll have y’all vote for the most ridiculous for an It’s Blogworthy award! Sounds fun, huh? Now for tale numero uno, otherwise known as “The Wicked Witch of Plantopia and Her Bushes“.

Plantopia….a beautiful place to be. 

One upon a time there was a lush, exotic place called Plantopia, where luscious green trees soak up golden rays and liquid sunshine, where shrubs and bushes flower, bloom and vine all over God’s creation, and where nature knows no boundaries, enveloping everything from cars and fences to small animals who don’t move quickly enough. Long, long ago, in the Before Times, plants grew unabated, and the residents of Plantopia grew weary that their belongings were so often overtaken by the glorious leaves of these wild and wonderful plants. They named the ones with sharp tools to be “lawn care guys”, the only ones who could tame the plants. And so lawn care guys gently cut back the vines and branches so the good people of Plantopia could once again drive their cars. And it was good.

But there was one woman in Plantopia who loved many things. She loved teeth, children, children’s teeth and various types of dental surgery. She also loved plants — loved them so much that she didn’t want the lawn care guys to touch them. She loved her precious plants, the way the branches reached for the heavens, the way the vines looped through the fence and into everyone’s property. She loved the wild and untamed look and savored looking outside at the beautiful greenery overtaking all her neighbors’ possessions. She dared any lawn care guy to touch her precious, what was rightfully hers.

Then one day, a kind hearted, puppy adopting, cat hugging, RC driving man noticed the Wicked Witch of Plantopia’s plants were overtaking his yard and trimmed the bushes. A few days passed and she discovered what he’d done. She was furious. She sent one of her slaves to talk with this kind man. The kind man told the slave he’d happily talk to the Wicked Witch and would meet at her lair.

When he got to the lair, he was greeted with a terrible surprise. She was very mad that her beautiful bushes were trimmed and wanted the kind man to pay….WITH HIS LIFE.*

*Ok, maybe not his life, but definitely with some money.

The kind man realized quickly that the Wicked Witch had a pickled brain that didn’t work like anybody else’s. He tried to reason with her. He tried to tell her that he was doing her a favor.

“BUT MY PRECIOUS!” she screamed. “YOU MUTILATED MY PRECIOUS!”

It was just a trim, the kind man said, the bushes will grow back within a month or two.

“YOU KILLED MY PRECIOUS! VAANNNNDDDAAALLIIISSSMMM!”

The branches were so out of control, he continued, I was trying to help you out.

“LIAR! ALL LIES! CUT OFF HIS FINGERS AND I’LL EAT THEM FOR DINNER!”

The kind man told the Wicked Witch he would help her by buying new bushes, but now the kind man is afraid  she’s going to use her pickled brain to think up some really hairbrained scheme and/or eat his dog. Mercy.

But for real, y’all, hub cut down some bushes and our crazy ass neighbor called the cops on him and threatened to file vandalism charges and the words “vandalism” “mutilated” and “liar” were all thrown around, which is the long and short of this particularly ridiculous tale.

To be….continued?

Do y’all have crazy neighbors? Would you enjoy Plantopia? 

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20 comments to A fairytale about plants

  • seriouslytake2

    Please tell me the cops told her when her plants start hanging over on everyone else's property, people can trim them all they want?

    Our neighbor on one side works at the same company, the other side was one of my college professors, and the guy across the street looks just like Milton from Office Space so we're horrible about remembering his real name.

  • Sarah Mac

    I would only like living in Plantopia on opposite day!!! I'd much rather live in the land of Baseball-headed guys and walking cheese coneys.

  • Liz

    that's ridonkulous! and the LAST thing you guys needs to be worried about right now! people just amaze me!

  • Bloggin in PA

    Dude when the plant go on your side you can trim them all you want. It's all legal and such! She's nutso!!

  • Jackie

    oh my….quite the wicked witch! and FYI crazy witch lady, when your craptacular plants cross over into my property line? Mine to do with what I want.

    I just got a *lovely* letter from our townhouse association last week referring to the potted flowers on our own patio (that have majorly wilted in the heat and gotten a little leggy) as "weeds" that we "are responsible for taking care of". A) Don't call my pretty flowers weeds! and 2) they are on my darn patio and I can leave them there where they aren't hurting anybody and certainly not uglying the place up. and C) NOBODY spends time out on my patio but me and hubs. and nobody else has to look at the small pots of flowers if they don't want to. Oh, and D)What, you mean I can't plant crap all over the place and expect the association to take care of it? man, what was I thinking?! (can you feel the sarcasm?! ;)

    Conclusion of this event sent by the Wicked Witch's northern sister? We are finally going to buy a house. And NOT one with a neighborhood association. :)

  • mariahsmile

    That story is ridiculous! Hubs was merely trying to help out! I agree with you, but lets not bring teeth into this! haha ;-)

  • Lisa

    That is hilarious! I can't see how anyone could argue with FREE landscaping assistance! Wow.

  • Cecelia Winesap

    Your hubby had every right to cut down the offending vines encroaching in your yard. Maybe she should plant her precious somewhere else.

  • Rhonda

    This is crazy because my neighbor REALLY needs to do some trimming and I don't foresee it happening in the near future. I have thought about getting the clippers out and now I just may reconsider.

  • JMJE

    Wow, that's pretty crazy. I don't have any crazy neighbors yet. I have a giant tree in my yard that all the neighborhood kids like to play in but I'm cool with that.

  • Salt

    Wow. Plant vandalism? That's a totally new thing altogether. She sounds positively peachy.

    I do have weird neighbors. During the first conversation I ever had with the one downstairs, she told me all about her colonoscopy and resulting bout with severe diarrhea and then moved on to tell me about her dead sister. I just wanted to get my damn mail.

  • SurferWife

    Wait, what? Hold on, just wait. WHAT?!

    Like, I don't even get wtf happened. I mean I do, but… The plant bushy things were growing onto YOUR property, no?

    I hope the kind man took those branches and stuck them up her ass. Then she can talk vandalism.

  • Sada

    When I was a kid, our neighbor called the police and told them we were vandalizing the sidewalk. Cops arrived to find us drawing with chalk. TOTALLY SERIOUS.

    Crazies everywhere! But I'm sorry that you live next to one.

  • Crazy Shenanigans

    What a fruit cake! I say if it's on your property line but the whole thing down to a stub. Then she can really flip out. I hate people like that.

  • Chicken

    The world is full of looney people. Why do they have to be your neighbor? Where is Mr. Rogers when you need him?

  • foxy

    What a complete FREAK. And yes, I've had neighbors like that before.

  • KLZ

    I enjoy that you insinuated that she's gollum.

    I thikn you should go and rip off one branch every night, from now until forever, just to see if she notices.

  • Annah

    You write about Plantopia in such depth. WOWSERS :)

  • The Only Girl

    What the heck??? She's whackers! But also sounds like she could be a lot of fun to pull late night anonymous pranks on. Let me know if you need any suggestions.

  • Allyson

    First of all, that story was extra-spicy, extra-crispy awesomeness! Although, as they say, you just can't make this schiznit up! It happens IRL! Your neighbor sounds like a pot of crazy, especially since I can't imagine K doing anything to anyone that result in the police being called. Is that going to go in his permanent record? And um…WHAT did the police say?? I imagine there was a lot of eye rolling involved. Kudos for spinning a nice little fairy tale out of it, though. I hope your week improves drastically!

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