The Bachelorette: The Last Episode – Pretty sure Roberto is a werewolf

Now, I know you were all expecting a Bachelorette recap but you ain’t getting it because those things were sucking all the joy from my Tuesdays. Instead,on this hot summer day, let’s discuss the following:  how hot as fire is Roberto anyway?

Let’s recap ROBERTO, shall we? Baseball player. Latin LOVAH. Speaker of numerous foreign languages. Sayer of things like “I hope I can watch a thousand more sunsets with you.” Salsa dancer. All-around hottie. Far too nice and sexy for Ali, but what can you do? I had been reading spoilers that said she picks no one, so this was a little bit of a surprise for me, but I like it. I like surprises.

I’d like to now share with you the conversation and discovery JP and I made two weeks ago regarding our dear friend Roberto. She is a Twilight fan and was filling me in about the last book, which she’d just read. Later:

JP: I dont’ want a vampire, I want a werewolf. That looks like Taylor. Find that for me, Amanda.
Me: Listen, you get one or the other; a regular Joe who looks like Taylor or a werewolf.
JP: Ok, a Taylor L. No, actually I’m not settling, I want both. And if Regular Joes look like Taylor, I’d like to live in whatever world you live in that this occur.
Me: It’s the same world where the Bachelorette is real and these things happen.
Me: Why is Roberto so perfect?
JP: I want him to be in my life.
Me: I want him to be in your life too. Maybe he’s a werewolf. Would that do?
JP: MAYBE HE IS. omg– I bet he is Amanda!
Me: It explains a lot.
JP: We totally just scooped the shit out of US weekly.
Me: Should we email them? I can just see the front page: “Ali’s Final Pick – What’s his secret?”
JP: yes! Ask for money first, though. “Roberto’s Fuzzy Past.”
JP: Why is Roberto so sweaty in that one talking head shot?
Me: Apparently he’s all sweat, all the time. Probably sweating because he’s afraid she’ll discover he’s a werewolf.
JP: Obviously. And werewolves have hot bodies. Like, hot as in temperature.

So we figured out his big dark secret, but a little too late because now it’s over and they are living in San Diego (apparently) in their little rented love nest and will live happily ever after on an insurance agent’s salary, considering Ali “gave up everything” including her source of income (and she has a little too long of a wait for Dancing With the Stars). Farewell, Ali, it’s been a great  mind numbing journey.

UPDATE:

Jayme reminded me that I forgot probably the most tragic-slash-unintentionally hilarious part of this whole season: the use of “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” from the Lion King as the closing song, played over a montage of all the moments of True Love between Ali and Roberto this season. Really now. It’s like sometimes TPTB at ABC don’t even *try* to make anyone take them seriously. Even funnier? The interpretive dance my hubby did to said song (far more amusing than even two seconds of the Bachelorette). As she said in her comment, they probably used it because Ali and Bert (I’m calling him that now) “starred” in Lion King on Broadway, but way to make us reach back far into our memories of this atrocious season and remember that little nugget. Already done been purged, people.