Oh my stars and garters, mercy me, was that a hot mess up on the ABC Monday night. Unfortch, I was too busy playing the new lego Harry Potter game on our Wii (because I’m a massive nerd) to watch the Bachelorette. I know, I’m sure everyone is disappointed, but you’re just going to have to find your B’ette fix elsewhere this week. I do know that Ali loves Portugal because it’s “sunny and warm” and there was lots of face sucking and spit swapping and then Ty was sent packing. Happy trails to you, Ty. Hope you find that perfect woman who is ready to stay home and cater to your every whim.
Looks like Ty has some stiff competition for that particular kind of lovely lady after learning more about Jake the Snake. I just caught the replay on ABC.com and I missed a doosey. Like I don’t even know where to start.
First, in all seriousness, I really felt bad for Vienna. I was NOT a Vienna supporter in the least. I was all about Gia, then Tenley. I thought Vienna acted childish at best, malicious at worst. However, I think that Vienna is really a small town girl who might have a few issues of her own with relationships, and truly thought this was going to work out. Delusional? Maybe. But I think she saw herself as a Trista and Ryan or Molly and Jason — famous together, famous for being a couple. I don’t think she anticipated being second fiddle to a man who was clearly seeking fame. She got duped. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she enjoyed her time in the spotlight and I’m sure most of this stemmed from jealousy on her part. But I still don’t think this was at all what she expected.
Jake is disgusting to me. He was disgusting before; not physically, but something about his behavior — the way he treated the contestants, the thinly veiled insincerity, the really pretty exterior that seemed to have something rotten inside — really bothered me. Let’s be honest here, there’s not one person who signs a Bachelore/tte contract who isn’t ultimately in it for their 15 minutes. So, within that aspect of the show, there are different levels of famewhoring. There’s the legitimate crazies; then the people who are relatively normal and maybe just want a couple episodes on TV for funsies; then models or singers or actresses who hope to make this a springboard for something better; then the people who desire fame so much they will stop at nothing, including lying and destroying real-life, legitimate personal relationships. That’s Jake.
It was gross to me how condescending and mean he was to Vienna. I’m sure she’s not the easiest person to deal with, but honestly, give her a break. She’s not undermining you every time she has a difference in opinion. They told a story about him giving her directions, and then she still got out the GPS, and then he threw it in the backseat. What if she’s bad with directions? That’s not undermining him. Get thee a dictionary, Jake. I hate to say it, but it was borderline emotional abuse — like if he’s going to do that to a girl on national TV who is basically in a fake relationship with him, what’s he going to do to a normal girl he meets at the gym?
It seemed pretty clear to me that he wants a girl who will stand there and look pretty while he does whatever shenanigans will bring him the most fame.
My favorite part of the whole thing was Chris Harrison. Dude works hard for the money and deserves every penny. He’s part pre-school teacher, part therapist, part marriage counselor and part camp counselor. Lots of faces to Chris Harrison. He kicked off the show by saying, “Is this crap going to continue? This he said/she said stuff?” I’m like aw yeah, this is going to be good. Later in the show, Jake and Vienna were having words over whether or not he “made her” leave her dog, and if he did or did not, and Chris, who was completely over them in a very real way, says, “Nobody cares about the dog.” Nobody can get famewhores to shut up faster than Chris B. Harrison, y’all.
So in conclusion, Jake sucks, Vienna sucks a little less, Chris sucks only slightly for being in this mess in the first place, and we only have one non-sucky person in this whole group, as shown on this graph:
Also, I’m officially over Jake and all things Jake related. I hearby announce today, July 7 2010, the last day you’ll ever read about Jake on this blog. I’m done contributing to the mess that is his life. I’m still all about Ali, so you non-Bachelorette readers who have stuck with me through this journey, bless your little hearts, it’ll be over soon.