The Bachelorette: Episode Three – How to not get a rose

It’s been one week since we looked at Ali, threw our arms in the air and said she’s crazy. That’s a Barenaked Ladies reference. I just Googled them to see if they had any other songs but this one because it’s been over 10 years since they were last relevant and I couldn’t remember. The second link TO THEIR OFFICIAL SITE says the following:

Don’t miss Barenaked Ladies tonight featured during a special date in the third episode of The Bachelorette, airing TONIGHT at 8/7 Central on ABC.

Awww…how sad. How appropriate.

Chris Harrison kicks off the show by waking up the guys to tell them about the first date. Frank is wearing an ironic tee that says “Cultured & Experienced” because that’s definitely what the contestants are usually known for…culture. Roberto snags the first date and of course he does. Sisterfriend has it bad for Roberto already. Some guy whose name I don’t know says Ali doesn’t know his name, and well, that doesn’t really bode well for him, does it? I think he leaves later in the episode, but I’m not sure. Because I don’t know him.

As the guys prepare for an afternoon by the pool as kept men, Ali arrives just in time to catch the local 10 am Dbag Junction helicopter. For someone who claims to hate flying so much, Ali sure does a lot of it. I guess it’s just a job hazard but really, who thinks she’s just saying that so she can cuddle with guys? Raise your hands. Methinks Ali is a cuddle slut. The heli drops them off on some random rooftop in LA and Ali explains that lunch is on a second rooftop across from the one where they landed. Um, guys? I think they dropped you off in the wrong place. Oh, wait, no, this is just the obligatory “bungee/high wire date that means the person will be in the top 3, at least”. Listen, ain’t no lunch good enough for me to walk across a tightrope.

Meanwhile, back at the Junction, it’s burgers and beer for the non-Robertos. They are sitting around talking about who is there for Ali and who is not. I call Jonathan “Ty”. I dont’ know if there is a Ty or not. Oh, show!

Celebrity Urban Circus continues as Roberto and Ali risk their lives for what has to now be a cold, stale meal. Halfway across, Roberto stops her and kisses her and she almost falls in the process but it’s OK because of [sparkly pink puffy hearts and angels and a heavenly glow] LOVE.

Here’s Ali’s priority list:

  • LOVE
  • her career
  • living to see another day. 

They finally climb across and watch the sunset, and as he’s waxing poetic about how special this moment is to him, as Robertos are wont to do, Ali gives him the sideways glance of a girl who is really into a guy. Way to give it away, you realize there are 30 production people around you capturing that moment. But I do have to say, it looked really genuine and a little sweet.

Because it would be against the laws of nature for me to think highly of Ali for more than 30 seconds, we cut to the next scene where they are somehow dressed in fancy date night clothes and eating. I thought the only way over was the tightrope, and now they have suddenly found a way into the building to change and get gussied up. I’d be all, “there is an entrance to this building from the floor and you made me walk across a tightrope. Shenanigans!”

The camera pans over to show us a pile of pillow and blankets and candles where Ali and Roberto promptly get to the making out and dry humping portion of the evening. What a weird date. It’s typical in the form, but odd because it takes place on the roof of a building. I mean they are making out two feet from where they ate.

Back at Hangover Central, USA, the guys find their group date card says, “Come Rock My World – Ali”. Oh goodie, I bet it will be some really popular, relevant band! But instead they get Barenaked Ladies. Hi. 1998 called, they want their adult contemporary group back. The boys get in a van and are driven to an abandoned ghetto looking area in LA where they will be murdered, then this show will REALLY get exciting! But instead of certain death, they find Barenaked Ladies just rockin’ away. The boys feign interest — one says he’s “always” wanted to see them. My hubby says Barenaked Ladies are stoked because it’s their biggest gig in 8 years.

Their job today, should they chose to accept, is to star in a video for the group’s new song. They each draw straws for scenes with Ali. Weatherman gets a scene in which he gets to make out hardcore with her and is literally terrified, like shaking and sweating terrified. And he also cries. It’s bad, you guys. Then she has a scene with Kurt, whoever he is, and they roll around making out and dry humping in a bed while she wears lingere. It’s supposed to be fake but looks pretty real from where I’m sitting. ABC? It’s only 8:45. Let’s cool it with the continuous dry humping. The director yells cut and there is no cutting in that bed, if you know what I mean. It makes the other guys so uncomfortable that they all leave. Congrats, Kurt! You just mortified a group of people with no ethics, morals or shame! It’s a first for this show!

Later they go to a “wrap party” on another rooftop bar with hot tub. Frank connects with Kurt over their mutual connection with Ali. So many connections going on here. Weatherman tries to explain his lack of balls and makes things even more awkward. The other guys jostle for time with her. Kurt gets in the hot tub with Ali, but the rest of the guys jump in and ruin their special moment. Why aren’t there anthropologists on the set studying this behavior? It’s fascinating. Like gorillas in the wild, except less civilized.

Back at the Junction, the guys find out Hunter will be going on the next one-on-one. Again, who? I wish I cared enough to learn their names. Hunter is dunzo. I can tell before he even leaves the Junction. He says it’s the most important thing that has happened to him. EVER [pregnant pause]…on this show. But before we get to that, the big drama we were promised begins to unfold.

Justin “Rated R”, the professional wrestler who is currently hobbling around on crutches, decides he needs — nay, DESERVES — some one-on-one time with Ali. He decides to begin his suicide mission to hike, on crutches, up some rocky slopes to her casa on the hill. There are several shots of him navigating around, asking locals where Ali lives (creepy!), climbing through ditches and across busy streets. It’s your classic ill-conceived plan. They show Ali being interviewed and him gimping up behind her. She pretends like she’s shocked and honored that he would risk his life to spend a few moments with her. They look at some pictures of his family and talk about his Daddy issues, as in, he doesn’t’ have one and wants to be a Daddy. He wants to win a reality show TV contest so he can prove he’s a better man than his father? That seems about right.

Anyway, Justin’s escapades are cutting into Ali’s one-on-one date time with Hunter. Which doesnt ‘matter because Hunter sucks a little for Ali. They go to her house, and Ali is wearing, like, jeans and flip flops and doesn’t bother to brush her weave at all. Nice of her to dress up for this shindig.  He grills approximately four pounds of hamburger and a package of hot dogs while discussing how he’d gladly leave his job and stay home and take care of their hypothetical children. Ali looks terrified. They slide into the hot tub/ infinity pool where they discuss the hot tub/infinity pool. Then there is some awkward silence, then he kisses her shoulder. Ouch, Hunter. Good luck in the future, bud.

Later they sit by a fire, eating again because apparently their hypothetical children ate all that grilled meat and left them hungry, and Hunter spots the rose and says, “Theeerrreeee’s a roooooossseeee!” with a sneaky smile. She says, yeah, about that. You’re not getting this rose. Then she drops the “just friends” bomb and it explodes all over Hunter’s sad little face.

The boys at the Junction then watch as the Grim Reaper of the Bach House carries away Hunter’s bags. Some guys cheer. Craig R continues to get wasted on his 40 oz.

Next is elimination party night. Frank continues his one man crazy person show by creeping on Kurt about how much they love Ali. Frank did not learn “sharing” skills in kindergarten. Ew, how gross is it that they share her? Sometimes I forget that’s what’s happening on this show. Steve, who I believe has never gotten a date, plans his own date with a throw rug and some candles and an unopened bottle of champagne. He says if she wasnt’ goign to take him on a date, he’d take her. And Lord, what a terrible date. She has to first get down on the ground in a huge ball gown, then he can’t open the bottle. Listen, buddy, if you’re unable to open booze, you’re not right for Ali. She needs that in a man.

Later, while talking with Roberto, Ali lets it drop that Justin came to visit her. Roberto shares this with the guys and they go on a mission to find pitchforks and torches so they can attack Justin. They all have a little squabble like 8th grade girls fighting over lipgloss, then Justin goes out to the lanai and cries a little, and by cry, I mean he blinked really hard and rubbed his lower eye just like he had a real tear.

Here are my thoughts on Justin: I almost felt sorry for him earlier when he was talking about his Dad. Obviously, editing comes into play very heavily on this show, and I believe the producers are trying to get us to feel sorry for him. But honestly, he’s a professional wrestler which is just an actor with a terrible manager. There has to be something going on if every single guy in the house hates him passionately. So I think we’re going to see more from him soon and I think he’s just as bad as all the guys think he is.

Chris announces the rose ceremony and Chris L, Chris N, Jesse (who was wearing a demin t-shirt because he really does only have one suit, I guess), Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Weatherman, Kurt and Justin all get roses.

This one was a snoozer so just be thankful you can read about it in less than 10 minutes instead of watching for 2 hours.

Did you watch? Who is your favorite? Did you think it was a little on the boring side?

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27 comments to The Bachelorette: Episode Three – How to not get a rose

  • Bloggin in PA

    Hilarious! I love your recap of the show!! I love how you call him weatherman, because I do too, and dont really know his name, and I still think he is gay. Weatherman has got to go in the next episode- I think she only kept him because she felt sorry for him! I like the glasses guy, awwwww. And the hot blonde guy from the hottub (dont know his name) Anyway- your post has me LOLing at work! :-)

  • Sarah P

    If I had a million dollars, I'd buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

    – BNL

  • Rebecca Jo

    Your recaps totally crack me up!!!

    The weatherman… OH MY LORD… what a dork. Who freaks out & cries over having to kiss her? He could use some lessons from Kurt. I love they yelled "cut" a few times… I'm thinking, did that happen, or did they edit that in? Love their kissing lasted like 20 minutes when the other scenes were like 20 seconds… But when the weatherman asked Ali to go somewhere for their first real kiss, I was thinking, "Is this 7th grade?"

    I thought the same thing – for a girl who hates to fly, they are now going to make her fly around the world?????? Ummm yeah…

    And WHO IS THAT ONE GUY? I dont even know his name – dark haired man – got in the bed with her in the video????? Have they EVER put his name on the screen or mentioned his name? weird

  • Jamie

    Oh, Amanda. Just when I think you can't get any better, you surprise me with this goodie recap. I bow down to you, my friend. I bow down.

  • Lisa

    I don't watch the show, but I do like Barenaked Ladies. There, I said it. And I am not ashamed. Ok, maybe a little ashamed…

  • Salt

    I think I'd rather be murdered in an LA ghetto than have to be in a Barenaked Ladies video. How do you explain that fiasco to your kids?

    Your recaps are the best and my most favorite Tuesday thing now.

  • Annie

    Another excellent recap. Best on "the nets!" I'm gonna link to it.

  • SurferWife

    I'm not watching this season.

    Thank God.

  • Niki

    Fantastic recap! I missed the end of the episode but weather man and stalker frank annoyed me more than friends zone hunter. But I'm sure they are better for ratings!

    How awesome was your recap? Enough that I'm commenting on my phone before I forget! Lol :)

  • Hutch

    Here are my thoughts:

    1. No sympathy for Justin, the guy's got douchebag written across his face clear as day (plus I've hear some spoilers which only solidify)

    2. For guys, there's a lot of champagne in the scenes…where's the beer drinking, meat eating dudes?

    3. Ali gets somewhat less annoying with Roberto, therefore he's my pick.

    4. Watching Chris L slide across the floor after the mice in the post-episode reel made my night! He actually seems like he's there for the right reasons, little does he know the right reason actually lives in Sacramento with a far less annoying laugh!

  • The Random Blogette

    I really love your recaps. I actually, accidentally, turned it on last night and then when I realized what I was watching I turned it off and though to myself..Amanda will be recapping this tomorrow so there is no need to watch it!

    These guys sound like a bunch of babies!

  • JMJE

    I did not watch this show and now I don't have to. I enjoy your use of the phrase 'cuddle slut'.

  • liz

    pregnant amanda has an edge to her wit and writing!

    i'm pretty sure i don't need to watch the show; your recaps are much better!

  • Chicken

    I heart this post. I watched with my girlfriends last night, and by watch I totally mean we picked apart every single guy on the show and laughed so hard we barely heard a word of it. Weathermans awkward kiss? Looks like there is a cold front coming into AliLand.

  • Chicken

    Wait I totally forgot to add did you catch in the making out in bed scene the guy says "it's like we didn't even notice that the cameras were there". UMMMM pardon me but aren't cameras always there when you're grabbing a piece considering your on a freaking TV show???

  • Brooke

    I'm not watching this season, as there's no way the actual show could be half as entertaining as your recaps.

  • Tara

    hahaha! AMAZING recap of the show! its actually way more entertaining to read it than watch it!

  • KLZ

    1) I don't watch this show but you make it beyond hilarious. I look fwd to theese.

    2) I would buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel

    3) Eighth grade girls get into death matches over lip gloss you're right. What's up with that?

    4) My kid has been so damn cute tonight. It's indescribable. And I realized I do a lot od complaining about the mom thing sometimes but that's only because it's FUNNY. I don't want to misrepresent it. Best thing ever. You're going to love it.

    But pain reliever recalls will piss you off.

  • Crazy Shenanigans

    HAHAHAAHA, I laughed so hard last night when the person came into the house to get the bags, dressed in all black. So when you said grim reaper I laughed SO HARD!

  • Jessica

    Checking out your brette covereage as a suggestion from Jamie Jenson! Love it! Following you now!

  • Katie

    i don't need to watch the show – i'll just read your posts about it. i watched the 2nd episode and wanted to stab my eyes out – worst cast of guys ever.

  • Uptown Girl

    I watched the episode and your recap was WAY more entertaining.

    I heart Chris L (the one who went on a mouse hunt)! He is cute & normalish, so I pray Ali will cut him loose and send him to NYC for this bachelorette. Sorry Hutch…

    Why did she not send the Weatherman home?? Kissing Cryer. Bleh.

  • SS

    Luvin the recaps….I even dared to read this one before I saw the episode.

    Hell, I think your posts are better than the show anywho!

  • Trooper Thorn

    I have seen the show as I pass from one room to another through the living room and the only impression I'm left with is that the guys seem to all have lots of mousse but no combs.

  • Living Shallow, Living Well

    Hee hee- 1998 DID call, and they would like the Barenaked Ladies back- Ali is cute but yeah, I think she's probably missing a few sticks in her forest.

    Great blog!

  • Cathy

    I don't watch the show, but I am now looking forward to all your recaps. You are brilliant!

  • foxy

    Okay, first of all, WHAT IS UP WITH THE GUY WEARING DENIM? Everyone is wearing a suit and he's wearing a blue jean shirt?? WTF?

    And Weatherman? That poor guy will never be able to live down what a COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG he is. I felt bad for him when mean ole (other) Craig was around, but now he's just making himself look like an asstard. Crying because he doesn't have the balls to kiss her in front of an audience?? COME ON. THAT'S TOO EASY.

    And Roberto? I love him. His lovely latino hotness makes me SWOON.

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