Y’all ready for another rousing game of where in the world is Ali Sandiego? This week the Caravan of Illicitness makes a stop in Turkey. You know, that city of antiquity that boasts an extensive, rich, sometimes violent history. And now they can add Bachelorette shooting location (now with 100% more oil wrestling)! I’m sure it’ll be the feather in their cap!
We were promised DRAMZ tonight and they don’t waste one second getting down with the dirty. Chris Harrison shows up at Ali’s door and tells her he has something very important to tell her. He mentions Jessie, a contestant during Jake’s season who really had no shot so she spent her days and nights badmouthing Vienna instead, and says Jessie called Chris with some “secret information” about someone who is “not there for the right reasons”. Woah, that’s exactly what she said about Vienna, too! Maybe she’s one of those dolls that can only say, like, 4 phrases. Like that Barbie a few years ago who could say “let’s go to the mall!” and “math is hard!”
Chris picks up the phone to call Toronto and it rings like 4000 times before she finally picks up. I was so hoping it would go to voicemail and he’d have to awkwardly continue leaving Ali hanging. Jessie says that one of the contestants has a girlfriend and it’s Justin. DUN DUN DUUUNNNN. And his girlfriend is sitting RIGHT BESIDE HER! *gasp* This is turning into a telanova right in front of our eyes!
Girlfriend eagerly wrings her hands in anticipation for her 15 minutes of fame, telling Ali that Justin planned to go on the show, make it to the top 3, come back to the girlfriend and get married whilst using his fame to promote his wrestling career (because when you think of something that could help a wrestling career, being on a reality TV show about finding love makes…perfect…sense?) He promised that this little scheme would benefit both of them, and if she’s buying that, I have some oceanfront property here in North Central Florida to sell her. She helped him with his headshots, she drove him to the hospital when he broke his foot and she’s telling his secrets now (as this pot of plot nonsense thickens deliciously) because he has a …wait for it….wait for it….are you still waiting? ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND. Dios mio!
Well. Here’s the thing.
A. What kind of guy would do that to his girlfriend who he claims to be madly in love with?
2. What kind of girl allows it to happen? (It goes both ways). Love is blind and all that bull.
Also? You date a girl for two years, then decide to date another girl while you’re dating the first, then go onto a dating show to meet and become “engaged” (in the loosest sense of the word) another girl? That’s a Paula Deen quality recipe for disaster — indulgent and will eventually kill you. People say reality TV isn’t real, that it’s a waste. Find me one written show on TV right now that has a team of 26 crazy people for a writing team and I’ll watch that instead. Nobody can write plots as good as the ones famewhores and sociopaths can write for themselves.
So, after talking to Jessie and Girlfriend, and finding out Justin had contacted Girlfriend several times during the “journey”, most recently the night before the call, Ali gets pissed. She says this show is the most important thing she’ll ever do in her life (dream big!) and goes to confront Justin.
Ali says she believes in putting people in their place when they aren’t good to you and sharing your toys and looking both ways when you cross the street because she talks like a kindergartner. Ali and Chris Harrison, HARBINGER OF DOOM, invite themselves into the guys’ hotel room. Ali has a little chat with the guys; she asks them how they are holding up, if they miss home, and then tells Justin it must be really hard on him because he must miss his girlfriend SO MUCH. Oh snap, girl! It’s a good thing this happened so early in the morning; a little later and this group would be dropping their beer bottles along with their jaws!
Justin peaces out. Like literally doesn’t say another word to her, just hobbles off the couch, grabs his wallet and passport and leaves. Ali runs down stairs to confront him and he pushes past her. She continues screaming at him, asking for a deserved explanation. Justin tries to duck into a closed restaurant and a waiter shrugs that they are closed. Ali screams that this show is a very sacred thing for her. The hotel manager is probably regretting the choice to allow them to shoot on his property.
Justin tells Ali he wants to talk off camera, which is a smart plan of action for a person who came onto a reality TV show in the first place. He walks all over God’s creation to get away from her. He climbs over walls, through landscaping, might have swam around in a fountain or two for all I can tell. All with his walking cast, mind you. Justin, that’s not what they had in mind when they said “walking boot”.
Later, Justin comes back after he makes up a good story. Which is as follows: Jessica was a good friend to start out with. He came into it with his heart 100% into Ali, and throughout the process his heart changed. Ali doesn’t believe a single word of it and asks why this perfect stranger would throw him under the bus if it wasn’t true. Ali tries to confirm he had talked to Girlfriend since starting the show and he adamantly says no. Ali tells him to shut up and leave while he still has a sliver of dignity left. Well played, lady. You’re so feisty when you’re sober! AND SCENE.
As Justin walks off, the producers play a voicemail from Girlfriend in which he reads a terrible poem he wrote to her telling her he wants to marry her, how much he loves her. Saved message after saved message. Being gone made him realize it even more. He regrets even coming on the show. Listen — No one slams the door like a woman scorned! Dude, have we learned anything from tiger woods? VOICEMAIL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
While this DRAMZ plays out in the plaza below, the guys are eating it up like pork butt on a stick. Craig R says this TURKEY is gobbling his way home from Canada, and hope he has to swim in his boot. It’s clever because a turkey is an animal AND a country! ahaha! Craig R, I bet you win a bunch of cases with that clever wordplay! Date card comes. Ty gets the date, Craig gets the sads.
The date starts, like, an hour after all this unfolds. Ty wants to protect her from being hurt, well where were you two hours ago when all this started, hmm? And are you the official Guardian and Protector of her Heart since Kasey left? Where’s your official wrist tattoo?
They start the date by shopping and sightseeing, then relax in a Turkish Bath. She says this is a place only men are allowed to go, and she was able to go in, so she feels pretty special. They laugh very awkwardly before oiling each other up and making out. When they do they get boozed up? I bet they hate these daytime dates because it’s so socially unacceptable to drink before noon. But wait — so is dating 5 guys at once, so maybe that’s not a concern. Social acceptance doesn’t seem to be a real big deal with these folks.
Ali tells Ty she lost her faith in men that morning but he restored it by the evening. They continue making out with only towels covering their nether regions, all lubed up, it’s not yet 9 pm, ABC. There are still children watching. Turn it to Cinemax, you’ll find something less offensive there.
Nighttime date. Ali interviews that she loves this neighborhood, you mean your old Turkish stomping grounds because you are in Turkey all the time? She takes him to a romantic spot by the river. Wow, amazing that this perfect spot was already set up with lighting! He talks about everything he likes about her, and she tells him she likes that he’s tall and handsome. She slurs a bunch of stuff about hardships and “it is what is is and that’s the way it is and that’s what we learn out of life, you know?” That sentence is transcribed straight from her lips.
She asks about marriage — his former marriage, specifically — and he reveals that he is a misogynist and hates that his ex-wife worked. He was so closed off growing up that he didn’t realize women are CEOs and lawyers and such. TN is so proud. She gives him a rose and he says, “Thank you! go bake me a pie!”
They dance to a tune from a Turkish street performer and he says it’s most rememberable [sic] dance he’s ever had until he marries her, then hopefully that dance will be just as rememberable [sic]. TN scrambles to make him the official spokesman.
Group date time the next day. The guys are walking around making asses of themselves while looking for Ali. “There aren’t many blonde girls in Turkey!!” somebody says. There she is, IN A CASTLE, then I duck to avoid the anvils they are dropping on the viewing audience. Ali says she can’t believe this is a group date, there are only 5 of them! Today, she wants them to embrace Turkish tradition and culture.
Some scary looking, shirtless Turkish guys, as well as some Turkish musicians, show up on site. She’s literally making them fight for one-on-one time. This is awesome!
Kurt says “is that guy shirtless? they are all oiled up!?!?” Kurt says that there are four of them, four Turkish guys, they’re all in an arena, and then the unspoken completion of that is “and we’ve been drinking!” The guys take off their shirts and get to the oiling. Ali says seeing them get oiled up to fight for her love is pretty hot. Kurt wants to oil Ali up and we’re now at the 3rd oiling up reference of the night (again, still not even 9). (Cinemax — channel 656).
Turkish guy tells the rules in Turkish, which means the guys are screwed. Chris L says he typically uses oil to cook asparagus and dip bread in. It’s the first time he’s wrestled in it. I’m a little hazy on what is happening here; if they all lose to the Turkish guys, who wins the date? It’s clear that there is one immediately loser — us.
After they embarrass themselves with the Turkish guys, they wrestle each other — Kurt vs Roberto and Chris L vs Craig. Roberto wins the first match, and honestly, I would have put my money on Chris L to win the second, but Craig pulls it out because desperation knows no bounds. He needs him some one on one time with his lady, considering he’s been dating her for, what, 6 weeks now? Gone on two vacations with her and still hasn’t had a date. Craig says it feels good to be a lawyer who wrestles with words and wins at oil wrestling.
Craig’s date is so over the top boring that I’m not going to bother except to say she’s not into it at all until they set off fireworks. Nothing gets the spark lit like fireworks, am I right? So suddenly they are all huggy and lovey.
Next date: Frank, who has been whining for three weeks now that he needed another date. He’s so weird and coked out. “Hi! Let me smell your hair? Can I clip your fingernails for you? Suck on your toes? We’re in Turkey!” Ali is in no way weirder out by his behavior, and they go to a spice bazaar to act like stupid American some more. Ali puts on a sexy belly dancer outfit while he tries on a bejeweled turban. He looks like Punjab from the Annie movie (That’s my favorite movie ever. It’s my goal in life to mention it as many times as humanly possible.) He says his thoughts when he saw Ali in her costume were as follows: 1. WOW. 2. Why am I wearing this hat? 3. WOW ( I think the last one stood for World of Warcraft.)
Their next stop in the spice bazaar is to a carpet dealer. Frank says the carpet sales guy looked like a guy who walked off a used car lot. They hang out drinking the guy’s booze while he tries to sell them a carpet. Frank is freaking about the rug. Like panic attack mode over it, especially after the guy throws in 2 pillows. He’s all, “I’m traveling the world right now, what am i going to do with a carpet?” Cut to a scene where the salesman is throwing in pillows for free. Frank is practically in tears, “The carpet is huge???? I DONT’ NEED A CARPET.” I’m all, don’t worry, nobody forces you to buy a carpet, AND THEN HE BUYS A CARPET.
Back in the hotel, the guys sit around talking about who should leave. Craig agrees with himself that kurt doesn’t “look good” with her and that he should leave. Come on, Craig has a snowman’s chance in hell of staying till the next round.
Dinnertime in a flooded sewer. They have to wade through all this water to get to their meal, which is laid out nicely on a platform. Frank talks about wanting to propose only once and getting married only once. He knows how to use words to his advantage. They sit and stare at each other, then she says he scares her (me too sister, me too). They kiss, she starts with the baby talk, he gets a rose. He says he’s falling hard for Ali.
Cock-TAIL party: Serious Edition. Craig is pretending like the extra 2 hours alone time he got means he’s not a front runner to leave. Let’s see: the guys without roses this week going into elimination are Kurt, Craig and Roberto. Craig is the only guy who she’s not kissed. Pretty sure that says something. Ali cancels the cocktail party because she’s tired of all the guys. Is she ok? Do we need to get a doctor in the house? It’s not like Ali to turn down alcohol.
Craig gets the boot. The romance was missing. *yawn*
For all you non-watchers, choose your favorite:
Chris L – cutie from Cape Cod
Roberto - Latin LOVA from Charleston, SC
Frank – Crazy person from Chicago
Ty – Please dont’ judge him based on that terrible shirt; judge him based on his sexist remarks and general ignorance!
Kirt - Who almost died of mold poisoning